Prisoner
by Mindlessspn
Summary: Castiel Novak is a bad guy but Dean Winchester is evil. When evil is infatuated with bad, things get complicated.
1. Chapter 1

**Locked Away**

Innocent until proven guilty. That was the saying, right? Well, I am one hundred percent guilty. Lock me up and throw away the key because if I could go back and change the events of my history, I wouldn't change a damn thing. My name is Castiel Novak and I am a murderer.

XxX

"Get in line, Novak!," a police officer screamed at me as he pushed me into the line to have your mugshot taken. My family must be so proud. Today is my first official day at the Kansas state prison. Yes, I am the new guy but if I can get my way no one will even notice me.

Well, I can dream. As I went through the numb routine of the morning, I was actually looking forward to having my own cell. Usually murderers are placed into solitary confinement until they can prove that they can be around others.

I wouldn't prove that. That was the plan. I felt the strong grip on my upper arm as a guard led me down a long, dark hallway of cells. I was in the standard orange jumpsuit and handcuffs in the front of my body. Not exactly how I pictured my life at twenty-five but I'll take it.

"New meat!," one prisoner cried out resulting in a slew of wolf whistles and dibs on me. Their derogatory comments didn't bother me. In fact, they motivated me to prove that I'm the craziest guy in the place so I wouldn't have to go anywhere near those imbeciles.

I smirked to myself as I walked along with the guards grip still not wavering on my arm. We arrived at the last cell in the right where a large man was turned around on the bottom bunk with his back to the bars. "Welcome home," the guard said with a hint of amusement in his tone.

My eyes widened as I looked from the prisoners back to the guard, "I believe you've made a mistake. I should be in a private room. Far, far away from anyone."

The guards face turned serious, "Oh, that's right. You murdered some poor bastard in cold blood."

I nodded and kept my eyes wide as the guard pulled out his walkie talkie. Thank God I wouldn't have to be locked up with this psycho.

"Hey, there's been a mistake. You got Novak locked up with the other murderous psycho," the guard said sarcastically into the speaker.

I furrowed my brow in confusion as the guard laughed in my face. "Get the fuck in there, Novak. No one gives a shit that you killed someone. Almost everyone here has and I'll tell you it wasn't their boss, you dipshit," the guard spat as he swung open the cell door and pushed me in.

I stuck my still handcuffed hands through the bars and yelled, "You don't understand! I'm fucking crazy! I need to be locked away!"

The guard shook his head as he took off my handcuffs. "Welcome to paradise. Hope killing that guy was worth it," he said as he walked away and back down the long hallway.

"Ah!," I screamed as I kicked the bars and shook them hard.

"Its no use," came a gruff voice from behind me.

I turned around to take a look at my new cell mate who was still hunched over with his back to me.

"Who are you?," I asked cautiously.

The man stood up and he was a lot taller than his posture from before let on. He turned around and I was met with large brown eyes and chin length scruffy hair.

"I'm Sam Winchester," the man said confidently.

XxX

I held the lunch tray in my hand as the line slowly moved along. Sam stood behind me with his own tray. I learned he was in here for forgery and robbery. He wasn't even bothered when he found I out I was in for murder.

"What do you want?," the large cafeteria woman with her crooked hair net asked in boredom.

I looked at the many items before me and felt my stomach turn in disgust. "Ill take anything that hasn't moved in the last twenty seconds," I said.

Sam chuckled from behind me and the lunch lady looked at me unamused before dropping a pile of what looks like it used to be beans onto my tray.

I pursed my lips and nodded, "Fair enough." I held onto my tray as I looked around the common area. There were tables and tables of the meanest looking men that I've ever seen.

Suddenly I didn't feel so confident anymore but I had to fake it until I made it. "You coming, dude?," Sam asked as he appeared next to me with his own tray filled up with green slop.

I nodded and followed him to a small table in the back where three other men were seated. I sat down wearily across from Sam and next to a man who looked as if he still belonged in high school.

"Hey, man. Names Garth," the young boy next to him said as he stuck his hand out for me to shake.

I shook his hand firmly and managed a tight smile. "Castiel," I replied.

"Castiel? That's a strange name," a deep southern drawl said from next to Sam.

I nodded and looked up at the large man who was staring at me suspiciously. "That's Benny. A real stickler," Garth explained.

Benny continued eyeing me as he took a sip of his water. "Oh, God. Not another pissing contest," said the shorter stalky man with a British accent that was seated at the end of the table.

"Shut up, Cowley," Sam said as he rolled his eyes.

Crowley threw his head back and stared at the ceiling. "I'd rather be handcuffed to my mother for a century than to listen to any of you another second," he mumbled dramatically.

Sam smirked and rolled his eyes as he picked at his food with his plastic fork. It was quiet as everyone ate in silence for a few minutes. "Why are you here?," Benny asked suddenly.

I shrugged, "Same reason we're all here."

"Oh, so you got caught hacking into the FBI database, too," Benny commented sarcastically.

"Hey, leave him alone. Its not his fault you couldn't cover your tracks," Sam said as he pushed Benny chest.

"Or what? Your big bad brother going to come rescue you?," Benny asked as he started laughing hysterically.

Sam gave him a 'go to hell' look as Benny stood up to leave. He placed his hand in the middle of the table and leaned into my face. "Were all fucking crazy sometimes," he whispered and gave me a knowing wink before sauntering off.

"Don't mind him too much, buddy. This place got the best of him," Garth said and slapped my back before getting up to leave himself.

I watched as Sam continued his meal in silence while the man known as Crowley continued to stare at the ceiling. What have I gotten myself into?

XxX

"Winchester!," I heard a loud, obnoxious voice yelling from outside my shared cell. I sat up slowly and wiped the sleep from my eyes.

"Get your ass up, Winchester! You're being moved," the guard continued to shout at my cell mate.

"What's going on?," Sam asked as he climbed out of bed.

I watched sleepily as Sam stood in front of the bars and engaged in a hushed conversation with the guard before nodding and turning around.

He gathered his things in a small duffle bag the guard provided before turning to me. "I'll catch you later, man," he winked at me before leaving.

"Well, that was odd," I said to myself. I could still hear the echoes of their footsteps as my new friend left. I was left to wonder who my new cell mate would be and if he would be as easy going as Sam was. I sure hoped so.

XxX

I made it through the day without making any new enemies and all in all just staying out of the way. The day had come and gone and I didn't see any sign of Sam. It was like he had disappeared.

I walked down the hallway with the night guard towards my cell. I was about ready to call it a day. "Looks like you got a new one already," the guard commented in a smug tone.

I raised my eyebrow and looked into the cell. There was tall, fit man leaning against the wall. I couldn't me out his features in the dark but could see his green eyes glowing from a mile away.

I stepped more into the small room and flinched slightly as the door slammed shut . I focused on the sound of footsteps walking further away instead of the strange new man in front of me.

Finally, I couldn't avoid him anymore so I set my sights forward and held my hand out. "Hey. I'm Castiel," I said trying my best to not let my voice crack.

The man stepped out from the shadows and into the light where I could see him clearly. He was gorgeous and not at all what I was expecting. His hair was a Sandy brown and his freckles were magnificent. His entire being made it seem like a model in a prison jumpsuit. I was instantly attracted.

But the man didn't shake my hand. Instead he said something that I never would have expected to hear. "My names Dean Winchester and I've come to break you out."


	2. Chapter 2

**Power**

"Winchester? My last cell mate had that name," I said confused.

Dean rolled his eyes and sighed, "Really? That's what you're concerned about? I just told you we're breaking out of this place."

I managed to let out a loud laugh, "Yeah. Right. Like I'm actually going to break out after I've only been in here for two days. That'll go over well."

"Its true. And then you're coming with me," he said with over confidence as he flashed his all American boy smile at me.

"Yeah. And Santa Clause exists," I said in a sarcastic tone. I stepped on the bottom bed and climbed onto the top, ready for bed. I placed my folded arms behind my head and closed my eyes.

There came that strange, overwhelming feeling of someone staring at you. The ugly feeling that doesn't go away until you confront it. I sighed and peeked my eye open to see him still standing up and staring at me with a look of admirance? He was looking at me as if he'd seen me before. Of course, the hot one is crazy. They always are.

I sat up in bed and turned my head to face him. "Is there something I can help you with?," I asked not trying to hide the annoyance in my tone.

"What? A guy can't admire you?," he asked cockily.

I scoffed and shook my head, "And who says I'm gay?"

A small smile pulled at Deans lips as he shrugged, "You just did."

My mouth fell open but before I could reply the strange, interesting man was already in his own bed. "Goodnight, angel," was all he said for the rest of the night.

XxX

The next day was like any other day. I was only on day three but I felt that I was mixing right in. No one bothered me and I didn't bother them. My new cell mate on the other hand was another story.

I couldn't figure him out right away like the others and he wouldn't tell me what got him here in the first place and why he and Sam share a last name. It wasn't like Winchester was a super common name or anything.

I had my usual run in with the lunch lady who surprisingly remembered my order of almost beans. I turned to make my way to the table of misfits that I've grown accustomed to when I stopped in my tracks.

Its him. He's at my table but they're all laughing? Like old friends. Like they've known each other for years. They must like the way he comes on so strongly.

I shrugged to myself and made my way to my seat next to Garth. "…He's working on it now! Shouldn't be more than 48 hours now," was what I made out coming from Dean when I sat my tray down.

"Hey guys," I greeted, "what's taking two days?" The table went quiet before Dean bust out laughing.

I tilted my head in confusion and looked between Benny, Garth and Crowley who all looked like they got their hands caught in the cookie jar.

"Oh. You know, our big escape," Dean said casually as he winked and shoved a piece of bread into his mouth.

I laughed along with Dean, "Oh, yeah. This guy thinks he's Hudini or something." I pointed at Dean with my thumb and shook my head.

Crowley had his lips pursed but ended up cracking a small smile of his own before slamming his hand down onto the table, startling me. "Dean, you owe me big time. I've been in this hole a week! Don't you think my Gucci suits are missing me by now? And my mother!," his eyes grew wide, "Oh God, Dean! She's probably sold all my suits and put a second mortgage on my home by now!"

Everyone at the table, except Crowley and I, were laughing hysterically now. I gave Crowley a confused look who just stared into the distance with an angry expression.

"Yeah, Dean. I agree. I am not made for prison. I'm too pretty," Garth said with a goofy smile.

"Nah, I'd say you were just ugly enough," Dean laughed as he leaned back in his chair.

Benny leaned in closer to Dean, "Hey, brother. Don't believe anything Sam said. You know I always go a little nuts in small spaces."

Dean laughed which caused the entire to laugh along. They were like his minions. But that couldn't be. Dean was the new guy! Right? Or maybe not. Reality felt like it was merging into some kind of twisted fantasy.

They continued to laugh hysterically while a long, annoying buzzing noise started ringing in my ears. I couldn't the it any longer. I had to know.

"What the hell is going on here?!," I yelled out causing the next table over to all turn around and stare but I didn't care. This was like a bad episode of the Twilight Zone.

I pointed at Dean and stood up quickly, "I've never fucking seen you before in my life!"

Dean smirked as two guards grabbed both my arms and started to drag me out of the cafeteria. I watched as Dean stood up and said, "But I've seen you, angel."

XxX

I waited. And I waited. And I waited some more waiting for Dean to return back to the room. Its been six hours since my outburst led me to being escorted out of the cafeteria. All the prisoners have been in their cells for a good hour now. But, of course, no sign of Dean.

I needed to figure out what his deal was. Even if it killed me. How did he know me? How did he know the small group at lunch? And how was he related to Sam?

I sat on his bed and let my back rest against the brick wall with my knees upright in front of me. I closed my eyes and let my mind wander for the first time in weeks.

Did I know Dean? There's absolutely no way. The man may be crazy but he was beautiful. I would remember that face anywhere.

My mind flashed to the scene of me holding a gun in my steady hand while he begged and pleaded and cried for me to spare his life. I watched myself in my twisted mind as I threw my head back laughing like a maniac.

There was a loud bang. But it wasn't my flashback. It was reality. "Dean?," I asked out loud as I opened my eyes.

He was standing in front of me with his hands casually in his pockets. "Yes, angel?," he asked with a wide smile.

I looked into his green eyes and tried to stop myself from getting lost in them. I had to remember that this guy was crazy. "Who are you?," I found myself asking.

Dean shrugged and stared at me with hooded eyes, "Well, that depends. I could either be your worst nightmare or your knight in shining armor."

"How do you know me?," I continued questioning him.

Dean let out a low chuckle. Nothing like his usual happy go lucky laughs that I heard him let out previously. No. This one was dark and sinister. I felt chills run down my spine at the sound.

"I'd say that I've known you for quite a while, Cas. When you graduated college, I was there. When you landed your first post college job, I was there. When you leased your first apartment, I was there. And when you murdered your boss, you guessed it, I was there," Dean said casually as he leaned against the wall with his hand still in his pockets.

My eyes widened as I thought back to all the events that Dean just brought up. I stood up quickly off the bed. "No!," I screamed at him. "I don't fucking know you! Why are you doing this?!," I continued to scream at him, desperate for answers.

I found myself grabbing the front of his jumpsuit and bringing his face closer to mine. "Who. Are. You?," I asked through gritted teeth.

Deans eyes flashed down to where I was holding him and back up to my angry face. He chuckled lowly. "Oh, I'll show you just who the fuck I am," he said deeply as his eyes showed the enthusiasm he must have been feeling in this moment.

He quickly grabbed my arm that was holding onto him ad twisted it behind my back. Before I had a chance to collect myself, he already pushed my back up against the hard brick wall.

I hissed in pain as my head collided with the wall and his eyes lit up. It was like seeing someone win a prize. This was like a game to him. He tilted his head and smiled darkly at me in my vulnerable position.

He grabbed my face with his hand and stared deeply into my eyes. It was like he could see my soul and I knew I've never felt something so unsettling before.

He turned my face from side to side and made my lips squish together. "I've never seen someone so beautiful before," he whispered as he continued to stare closely.

He inched closer to my face and to my body. I could feel how much his encounter was turning him on. I gulped and hoped that he could not feel the same with me. He slowly brushed his lips along mine and let go of my face just as quick.

He pushed himself away from me and backed away a few feet. "Why do you think you're here, Castiel?," he asked me as he placed his hands behind his back.

I gave him a confused look but didn't dare to step closer. "I'm in here for murder. But you already knew that," I said slowly.

Dean laughed and shook his head. "Hmm. I knew I should've stayed and watched you a little longer that night. Then I could've cleaned up the mess that you were too careless with. You see, Castiel, I've been following you since you were only twenty two. I knew you were special the moment I laid my eyes on you and I knew I had to have you," he said as he began to pace while keeping his striking green eyes on me.

"I don't understand," I said, squinting, "Why me?"

Dean smiled more to himself than to me, "I saw potential in you. I knew you had it in you. I just knew it. Sam said I was crazy and that you weren't one of us but I was right. And when you wasted your boss I was ecstatic! I mean, wow! But then they found you and you were dragged away from me. I needed to get you back."

I felt my breathing begin to pick up. How could I go three years with a stalker and not be aware of it? I kicked myself mentally for letting my guard down.

Dean stopped pacing and turned to face me, "I did this," he said as he stretched his arms out and looked around the small cell, "All of this for you."

I shook my head quickly, "No. You're crazy. I'm not like you!"

Dean smiled and walked closer to me," You're exactly like me! Embrace it! I'm powerful but together, nothing can stop us! We can rule this whole damn state together. So, what do you say? Ready to be my partner in crime?"

I looked at him and found myself thinking for the first time that maybe he wasn't so crazy after all. What was I planning on doing with my life anyways? I wouldn't be out of here until I was maybe sixty-five if I was lucky.

Dean stretched his hand out, waiting for me to take it. I looked from his hand to his face that was looking at me darkly and expectantly.

I nodded once and grabbed his hand, "I'm ready."

Deans face turned into a face splitting smile as he grinned widely, "Good. Cause we have work to do."


	3. Chapter 3

**The point of no return**

I gripped the short cell bars lightly in my hand and stuck my other arm outside the window that was located a few feet above my bed. I rested my chin on the window sill and watched as a bird stood on a small branch just outside the window.

It was a mockingbird and the irony was not lost on me. It was mocking me in all it's glory. It was free and I was the caged animal. The bird spread its wings slowly and took off into whichever direction it wanted to. I felt a twinge of jealousy as it disappeared from my sight.

I pulled my arm back in and replaced my chin with it on the window sill. I rested my head in my hand and sighed. What was I going to do? Was I really going to break out with the man that revealed himself as my stalker? I let my mind drift to Deans plump lips. The way they looked absolutely kissable and perfectly pouty. But out of all his features his eyes were my favorite. They could light up a dark room and it sent a fire to my belly every time I looked into them.

I licked my lips and tried to control the tightening going on in my pants. "Cas?," came a disembodied voice that seemed rather close. I felt myself jump out of my skin before turning around quickly.

Dean. Of course. He stood there with his hands in his pockets and smiled. "Why aren't you in the common area?," he asked curiously.

I turned around on my bed and sat with my legs hanging off the top bunk and shrugged. "Just felt like being alone today," I answered vaguely.

Dean nodded but continued to eye me. "What?," I asked, cracking under the pressure of his judgmental gaze.

"I need you to do something for me," he said as he took a menacing step forward.

I felt myself shuddering but nodded anyways. "And what is that exactly?," I inquired.

"I," he started before seemingly correcting himself and continuing, " _we_ need you to prove yourself to us."

"Prove myself?," I asked as I tilted my head to the side and squinted at him.

Dean flashed his perfect white teeth and nodded before climbing up onto the bed next to me. I swallowed nervously when our thighs pressed against each other.

"I tell those guys out there what to do but Benny is questioning your ability to be one of us once were on the outside," Dean explained.

I nodded slowly and chewed on the inside of my cheek. Dean wrapped his arm around me and squeezed my shoulder in a comforting way. I felt my heart skip a beat but decided to play it off.

"So, tell me what to do," I said with a smile.

XxX

I raised my head and made an attempt at straightening my back and puffing out my chest. I walked confidently into the cafeteria and sat at my usual spot where I scanned the tables quickly in search of my victim.

It didn't take me long until I found my target. He was about a foot shorter than me with dirty blonde hair that was shaved in a buzz cut. He was eating alone and had a peaceful look in his face which was very rare to see in a place like this. I almost felt bad for the guy before Deans previous words came sinking back into my mind.

 **10 minutes before**

"Look, all you need to is beat some guy senseless. Show us that blood thirst that I know is inside you waiting to come out. Prove Benny wrong. Prove everyone in your life who's ever doubted you wrong," Dean said as if he was discussing the weather.

He leaned over and brushed his lips against my cheek softly before moving to my ear where he whispered, "Do it for me."

 **Now**

My eyes focused on Benny in front of me who was leaning back in his chair and smirking. That bastard was probably thinking that I didn't have it in me. He wants crazy? Well I'll show each and every fucking one of them what crazy looks like.

I pushed myself out of the small chair quickly and walked towards the lonely man. I could feel the entire table of Dean and his goons watching my every move.

I stepped up to the table where the man was and looked down at him grimly. My victim peered up at me and gave me a small smile. I almost felt bad for him. Almost.

"What are you in for?," I asked in my best gravely voice.

The man looked confused but visibly shrunk in his seat as he whispered, "Rape."

My eyes widened for a moment before I brought myself back. "Rape?," I scoffed.

The man nodded and had the decency to look ashamed but I knew it was an act he put on. "What's your name?," I asked as I felt myself begin to grow angrier and angrier.

"Jordan," he answered in a voice a little louder than a whisper.

"And what was her name?," I asked as I leaned in closer.

Jordan swallowed nervously and avoided my eyes and question.

This made me angrier. I slammed my hand on the table loudly, "What the fuck was her name?!"

By now the entire cafeteria was silent awaiting Jordan's answer. "Ashley! Her name was Ashley! And I did it because she fucking told me no!," Jordan yelled.

I shook my head in disgust and looked down at the table where I let myself crack a small smile. I did it. I broke someone. I lifted my head and turned around and faced the rest of the cafeteria where every set of eyes was watching me. Including a certain pair of green ones.

"This is Jordan!," I shouted as I waved at the man seated still behind me. I watched in satisfaction as the eyes shifted to him. "Jordan thinks it's okay to rape a woman because she told him no!," I continued to yell. I let myself smile when all the inmates faces twisted into disgust and anger as they continued to stare down Jordan.

"Her name was Ashley and she could have been any one of your mothers, daughters or wives. Now, we may be criminals but we did what we did to get in here for a good reason, right?!," I shouted. This caused a reaction out of all the inmates who yelled in agreement with me.

"Is raping an innocent woman all because she said no a good fucking reason?!," I cried out getting more and more into influencing the crowd.

"Hell no!," they screamed in unison.

"Jordan!," I yelled as I turned and pointed at him. The man was visibly shaking and I felt ecstatic as the rush of adrenaline ran through me.

"Y-yes?," he asked in a small voice.

"Do you want me to beat the shit out of you?," I asked loud enough for everyone to hear me.

Jordan shook his head quickly with wild, afraid eyes. I imagined that's what Ashley looked like but I also imagined that he didn't give a shit what Ashley wanted.

"I can't fucking hear you!," I snapped as I threw my fist on the table causing it to shake from the impact.

Jordan was crying now, "N- no. Please." He was begging now and it reminded me exactly of the way Balthazar did so before I shot him. I threw my head back and laughed like I was deranged and maybe I was.

I turned back to the inmates and continued, "You hear that?! He said he does NOT want me to beat the shit out of him!"

I broke into a wide smile as large groups of prisoners began to stand up in anger. They were all either watching me and trying to figure out what I wanted them to do or they were staring hard and angry at the rapist.

The cafeteria was so quiet in that moment that you could hear a pen drop. My eyes darted to the back of the room where Dean was standing with his arms crossed and a large, triumphant smile plastered all over his face. I knew I had made him proud and the feeling that swelled up inside me was indescribable.

I turned my attention back to the anxious inmates and raised my eyebrow. "But he didn't say you guys couldn't," I said in my normal speaking voice. Then all hell broke loose.

There was a rush of prisoners running towards Jordan with the look of murder in their eyes. I stepped calmly out of the way and watched with pride as everyone lost their fucking minds. Now that was crazy.

I walked away from the scene and dodged a few chairs that had been thrown around. I could hear Jordan's pained screaming in my ears as dozens of inmates beat him. Because of me. Because of my words. This made the screaming sound like music and I was on top of the world.

I gingerly made my way to Dean and his minions. We all said nothing as we slipped out of the room and down the hall away from the action. My heart sped up as Dean slapped my back with pride.

We stopped along the walls of the hallway and watched in amusement as guards rushed to the cafeteria with their guns ready. "I have to admit that was some Charles Manson shit right there," Benny said breaking the silence.

"And I thought I was great at influencing people," Crowley commented.

"Yeah, Castiel. That was amazing. You didn't even lift a finger! Even I was scared shit less in my seat," Garth added.

I gave them a small smile and nodded.

"I told you guys," Dean said as he stared at me affectionately and placed a hand on my shoulder, "He is one of us."


	4. Chapter 4

**3:16 a.m**

"The plan moves into action tonight at exactly 3:16 a.m. There will be deaths. You need to be ready to move your ass or you will be left behind," Dean instructed us all as we sat in a circle at a table outside.

We all nodded as he continued, "I've spent three days studying every fucking inch of this place. Sam knows too so he knows exactly where to place the bombs. Him and Chuck have made sure that they go off at exactly 3:16 a.m. Benny, you need to be positioned by the cell door or you will be killed by the explosion."

Benny nodded and looked grimly at Dean. "Garth, Kevin will be coming by and letting you out of your cell a hour before so you can take out the real guard on your floor," Dean said as Garth nodded.

"Crowley," Dean said as he looked at the bored man, "Your men will be outside ready for any directions Sam decides to give them. I need you to be waiting by your cell door and ready to go when this all goes down."

Crowley waved his hand around, "And what about you and your little boy toy here?"

I looked at Dean cautiously. "Don't worry about us," he said irritated.

"Breaks over! Get back to your cells!," a large guard called from by the door.

We all stood up and stared at one another with determination. "See you on the other side, boys," Dean said with a smile as he turned and walked back to our shared cell.

XXX

That night I laid there silently and nervously. I could hear Deans steady breathing on the bottom bunk. "Dean?," I whispered.

"Yes, Angel?," he asked.

"What's going to happen once were out of here?," I asked curiously and frankly scared.

"I wouldn't want to ruin the surprise. But I have big plans for us," he answered vaguely.

I sighed and stared at the ceiling. "Would you hold me?," I whispered after a few minutes of silence.

I waited for Dean to say something but was instead met with Dean crawling on top of the bed and laying down next to me. He settled in and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. I in turn placed my head on his chest and rested my hand on his stomach.

It felt so odd but so right. I've only known the man for all of three days but yet he somehow managed to seep under my skin. I tried to imagine a life with him once we were out but only came up blank. I had no idea what the future could possibly hold for me.

I watched in the corner of my eye as a stray tear slipped out and landed on his jumpsuit. I silently hoped he wouldn't notice.

"Hey," he said quietly, "Are you alright?"

I shook my head and attempted to wipe the rest of the tears out of my eyes. "I'm not okay, Dean," I whispered allowing myself to show my insecurities, "I feel like I'm out of my mind."

Dean hushed me soothingly, "We all are, baby. We all are."

"I- I don't think I can go through with this," I confessed.

Dean stooped running his hand through my hair and sighed. "Yes, you can. I need you. I did all of this for you," he said exasperated.

"I know," I said as I lifted my head to look at him, "But I'm scared."

Dean looked at me with bright eyes, "What are you so scared of?"

"I don't want to fall," I admitted.

"I won't let you," Dean answered quickly before adding, "I'll be there to catch you."

I looked away from his desperate eyes, "Okay, Dean."

"Ready to go," came Garth's voice on the other side of our cell. Dean sat up and looked at Garth who was standing proudly.

"What time is it?," Dean asked as he climbed off the bed.

Garth looked at his wristwatch before answering, "3:14 a.m."

Dean nodded and turned back to me, "Hurry and get up unless you want to end this adventure with you dying."

My eyes widened as I scurried off the bed as fast as I could and stood next to Dean. Garth was steadily working at trying the keys to open the door.

"Here ya go," Garth said proudly as the door swung open.

Dean took my hand and pulled me out quickly as half of the wall inside the cell crumbled from the loud explosion. I covered my ears and looked to Dean who was busy readying himself for a fist fight with two of the guards that were running our way.

"Garth! Take him! You guys need to jump!," Dean instructed as Garth pulled my arm back into the cell.

He stood on top of the crumbling wall and stared out of the large hole that the bomb had made. "Cas! All you need to jump! Three stories will not kill you! Just try to relax your body!," he yelled as he jumped out.

I ran over to where Garth was standing a moment before and looked out into the night. Garth rolled around on the ground for a few seconds before standing up and giving me a thumbs up. I saw Benny and Crowley waiting by the gate in the distance. Sam was also there walking Garth towards the gate discreetly.

Alarms were going off and by now all the inmates had woken up and were shouting various things. I slowly pulled myself onto the wall and stared at the ground that seemed to look menacingly back at me. I picked my head up and watched as search lights went off in every direction.

"Cas! You need to jump! You don't have much time!," Dean yelled from behind me.

I turned my head to see him running towards me leaving two guards beaten and bloody on the cold ground. He stepped quickly up onto the wall and made a hand signal to Sam who took off running in a full sprint.

"I cant do this!," I shouted over the piercing sound of the alarms.

"Yes you can! I'm not leaving here without you!," Dean screamed back as he searched my face with desperate eyes.

He leaned in quickly and grabbed my face in his rough hands as he pulled me into a pleading, desperate kiss. It was then that I knew that I would follow this man to the deep end and I would do anything for him. I pulled away slowly and but my lip.

"Take my hand!," Dean yelled as we heard guards approaching quickly.

I turned my head and flinched as the guards arrived with their guns dead set on us. "Freeze! Don't move!," one of them screamed.

I looked back at Dean who was silently begging for me to trust him. I gave a weak smile and took his hand quickly. And we went.

I did my best to relax my body as I free fell in the air. It must have worked since I didn't feel any pain once we both hit the ground. I rolled over onto my back ad looked up to see a guard with his gun pointed at me and leaning out of the hole I just jumped out of.

I watched in slow motion as he cocked it and got ready to pull the trigger. It happened in even slower motion of the same guard getting shot in the head. I watched as his body slumped over and the gun fell out of his hands landing a few feet away me. I felt all my senses come back as I felt Dean pulling desperately on my arm and yelling.

"We need to go! Let's go!," he was screaming.

I rolled over and stood up quickly. Dean wrapped his arm around my waist and ran with me trying to keep up with him. "Come on were almost there!," he was yelling to get me to pick up the pace.

Just outside of the gate was a black Chevy Impala with the motor running. I noticed Sam on the drivers side with a worried look on his face.

We were almost home free. Almost. A police officer appeared in front of us with his handgun drawn. "Don't move a fucking inch!," he screamed as he moved the gun between Dean and I.

Dean raised his arms over his head and I followed. Was this really over before it started? "Okay, okay. You got us," Dean said with surrender.

Dean looked over the officers shoulder and gave someone a small nod that was barely noticeable. The officer took out his walkie talkie for backup but quickly dropped to the ground. Dean began pulling on my arm trying to get me to keep going.

I reluctantly looked down at the ground at the dead officer who was shot in the back of the head from a distance. "Cas!," Dean screamed as he moved me along. I couldn't feel my legs anymore but kept moving somehow. I could feel the numbness seeping into my veins. I didn't feel the usual adrenaline rush of people dying. I just felt numb all over.

I let Dean push me into the back of a car as he frantically pulled down the zipper of my jumpsuit. "We did it," he whispered over and over as he high fived his friends.

Sam sped off into the night and the car filled with excited chatter over their successful escape. Dean finally got my prison jumpsuit off and threw it out of the passenger window along with his and the others.

We all, excluding Sam, sat in the car with only plain white t shit and boxers but I couldn't find it in me to care. "Man, what a rush! And awesome fucking shot back there, Sam!," Dean said excitedly as he leaned over and ruffled Sam's long hair as he drove.

"It was nothing," Sam said sheepishly while shrugging.

Dean leaned back in the seat next to me and continued to smile. "You're free," he said lowly with bright eyes.

I nodded and looked out the window as buildings passed by in a blur. I was free but it didn't feel like I was.


	5. Chapter 5

**Welcome home**

They drove for what felt like days but in reality was only about six hours. They pulled into a gravel driveway in front of what appeared to be a bunker. What the hell? Dean smiled at me and rubbed my leg. "Welcome home, Angel," he said with pride.

I forced a small smile to please him but felt my anxiety start to creep up. "Where are we?," I asked, straining to keep my true emotions out of my voice.

Dean slid out of the back seat and walked over to my side, opening the door for me. "We're home," he said confused.

I shook my head as I got out and stretched my aching muscles. "Yeah, no. I get that. I mean, are we even in Kansas anymore?," I asked while Dean licked his lips hungrily.

I looked down and saw a sliver of my toned stomach become exposed from the position of my stretch. I dropped my arms quickly and attempted to pull my shirt the rest of the way down. I didn't need to distract Dean. I need him to tell me where the hell we are.

A dark emotion flicked across Deans face and disappeared as soon as it came. "Yes, Dorothy. Were still in Kansas," he mocked in a playful tone.

I looked at him unamused. "So where exactly are we then?," I asked, continuing on with my questions.

"Lebanon," Dean answered easily.

"Lebanon?," I asked, confused, "But we were in Ellsworth. That's only two hours away. We were in the car for six hours."

Dean laughed as he looked me up and down, "Damn. You're lucky you're cute. You've got a lot to learn."

I tilted my head a him, "Care to explain?"

He sighed, "We just escaped from prison. Now, obviously we can't just drive straight over here. I can guarantee you that the cops would be all over our asses. We had to drive all over Kansas until we decided it was safe."

I nodded and felt a cool breeze blow right through me. I looked down and remembered that I was still standing in the middle of nowhere in just a t shirt and boxers.

"We should probably get you inside so you can get a good shower and some rest. We have a big night tonight," Dean said as he gestured to the front door.

"Are you planning on telling me what tonight will entail?," I asked even though I was fairly sure he wasn't going to tell me.

My thoughts proved right as he waved a finger and grabbed my shoulders to push me inside. "So curious and always asking questions. I like that but this will have to remain a mystery for now," he said as he swung open the door.

I opened my mouth to say something back but was met with a warm burst of air that sent shivers down my spine. We stepped into the foyer and I noted how looks really can be deceiving.

I was expecting something more in the 'Saw' movies to be awaiting me but was instead pleasantly surprised when it gave off more of a home vibe.

They even had a bookcase! I tried not to let myself get too excited so I just smiled at Dean who still had his arm wrapped around my shoulders.

"Hey, Dean?," Sam called from deeper in he bunker where the faint sound of a television could be heard.

"Yeah?," Dean yelled back to his little brother.

"We made the news already!," Sam called out while Dean smiled down at me. He took my hand and pulled me into the living area where everyone was. It also appeared that they all put on normal clothes during the time Dean and I were outside. I felt self conscious as I wrapped my arms around myself.

Sam turned up the volume on the flat screen as a helicopter camera showed the after effects of our escape. It looked the same as I remembered it but it looked worse in daylight.

The television switched to a reporter with medium dark hair standing in front of the scene. You could see the hole that Dean and I jumped out of just hours before in the background.

"Good morning, Kansas. This is Bela Talbot coming to you live where a group of convicts managed to escape the facility. An inmate known as, Castiel Novak, is believed to be the mastermind behind this daring escape," the woman announced as my mugshot I had only taken a week prior appeared on the screen.

The group cheered as they turned around to me giving me thumbs up. I smiled weakly but could feel my stomach turning in a million different directions. I sighed a breath of relief as they all collectively turned back to the television.

"Novak was transported to the prison here in Ellsworth just one week ago. Insiders inform us that a few days after his arrival, he had managed to cause a large riot in the cafeteria resulting in two deaths," Bela continued.

I felt my stomach drop. The guy I taunted died? And who else did with him? My intentions were only to show Dean what I could do. I felt like vomiting.

"The total fatality number does keep going up every hour or so with twenty one deaths and three major injuries to report as of now. Authorities say Novak is still on the run. He is believed to be armed and dangerous. Please call the number at the bottom of the screen if you believe you've sighted him," Bela finished.

Sam muted the television and stood up, clapping slowly. The group did the same, including Dean, until they were clapping fast and chanting my name.

"Enough!," I shouted as the clapping and voices stopped.

"You guys. We killed nearly twenty five people," I said with wide eyes looking at the unremorseful faces of the room.

"Hate to break it to ya, sweetheart. But the news said _you_ killed twenty five people, "Benny said bemused while stretching out the 'you.'

"Wh- why didn't they talk about you guys?," I asked cursing myself for stuttering in front of them.

"Oh. Did you not get the memo?," Crowley rhetorically asked, "You need to become public enemy number one in order to become officially one of us."

My mouth dropped as I turned to Dean who was intentionally avoiding my worried gaze. "I was setup," I whispered with betrayal.

"Try to think of it as initiation and less betrayal. I mean, we all got locked up. Some of us for longer than you," Sam pointed out to me.

I shook my head incredulously, "So, let me get this straight. Dean became obsessed with me, he watched as I snapped and murdered my boss, he walked away from the scene, he then kept up with my update of me being arrested and taken to jail where you guys decided to get into prison before I arrived so you could have an established social presence there," I paused and looked at Dean who had the decency to look a bit ashamed.

"Then, Sam convinced the guards for me and him to share a cell where he would take me to introduce me to you guys. So now at this point everyone in the prison knows that were associated. Dean arrives and I'm of course convinced to 'prove myself.' Dean was just a fly on the wall after all. Making sure that he goes to bed later than the other inmates so no one can pin it on him," I kept going still staring into the back of Deans head.

"And now everyone in Kansas is after my head," I finished.

Crowley clapped slowly and made an impressed face. "Well, he sure is smart," he commented.

I rolled my eyes and walked away. "Screw you guys," I said without another look back.

XXX

I woke up drenched in sweat. There was no light shining through the windows in the room so I assumed it was already night time. I felt uncomfortable as I sat up in Deans bed. I could feel the unnerving steady gaze of eyes on me. "Please don't be mad at me," a voice whispered in the dark.

"Dean?," I called out.

I felt the bed sink in as added weight climbed up. I saw the glowing of his green eyes land on mine as he threw his arms around my neck. "I'm sorry, Angel. I'm sorry. This was the only way I could make you mine. I would have done anything to have you. You have to understand that?," he said desperately while placing his forehead on mine.

"How could you do this to me?," I whispered, hurt.

Dean let out a choked sob. "I will protect you. I won't let you get taken away again. We're in this together," desperation clear in his voice.

I sighed and thought it over in my mind. Reluctantly I decided to give him another chance. "Okay, Dean," I whispered while he let out a shaky breath, "But don't fuck me over again or you will regret it," I finished in a malicious tone.

I could see the white of Deans teeth in the dark as he smiled. "I won't ever hurt you again," he said confidently.

I nodded and smiled softly. "Okay. Now what is it that you do exactly?," I asked regretting the question immediately.

Deans smile turned sinister, "I'm glad you asked."


	6. Chapter 6

**Murder business**

I looked around the small room that Dean had drug me into. The wall was filled top to bottom with pictures of a man with a shaved head and a scar on his bottom lip. There were photos of him grocery shopping, walking on a sidewalk and various other activities.

"Who is this?," I asked trying not to let my voice waver.

Dean smirked. "This is Joseph Lane. He is twenty-seven years old and he got off for murder."

I furrowed my brow trying to understand what Dean was saying. "And?"

"He murdered a stranger in cold blood. It was a robbery gone wrong," Dean explained.

I raised an eyebrow and wrapped my arms around myself. "I don't understand, Dean."

"He faced a trial and the charges were dropped. After that, he figured he was invincible so he continued killing. His body count is up to nine people now. Now what kind of justice is that?"

I shrugged, "I- I don't know."

Dean sighed and leaned against a small table in the corner. "I run a business here, Cas. A family business. When my parents died it was passed down to Sam and I. We kill people," he explained.

I heard my breath hitch. It wasn't even like it was a surprise. Dean had admitted to it but I just didn't want to believe it.

"Okay," I nodded and gestured for Dean to continue.

"I've been watching Joseph here for a long time. About a few weeks before I went to prison. We build profiles on our victims and we learn their routines. We know these guys better than their own parents."

"So, how do you pick them?," I asked.

"We follow their news stories or we get paid by their spouse or families to off them. Consider us like hitmen. But sometimes its just to get people like him off the streets."

"So you only kill bad people?"

Dean nodded and smiled. "I've never killed anyone who didn't deserve it."

I bit my lip and averted my eyes to the floor. Dean waited patiently for me to say something.

Could I really do this? Live a life of crime with this stranger? These were the kind of questions that made me question my sanity.

Two minutes later, I nodded and looked up meeting his gaze as he tried to decipher my thoughts. "What do you need me to do?"

 **XXX**

"Okay. So it's a Monday night which means he should be getting out of his AA meeting any minute now," Dean said from the front seat of the Impala.

"AA? We're going to kill a recovering alcoholic?," I asked starting to panic.

Dean shook his head quickly asked and shushed me. He turned his attention back to the small building where these meetings were held. We had been sitting here for about fifteen minutes now with the headlights turned off.

"It's all an act, Cas. He has to put on a show that shows he gives a shit but what does he do when he gets home?," Dean asked as he turned to face me.

I shrugged and darted my eyes quickly from the building and back to Dean. "I really don't know."

"Well I'll tell you. He gets drunk and looks for his next victim every Monday night without fail."

My eyes widened and Dean pursed his lips. "He needs to go," he said darkly.

He turned back to the building where the meeting was let out. "Duck!," Dean hissed at me.

I nodded and did as I was told and slouched lowly in the passenger seat so I couldn't be seen. Dean did the same but kept his visual on his target.

"He walks down this alley to the bar every week. We need to drug him before he makes it to the bar," Dean whispered.

I nodded and made myself a mental note as Dean told me the plan. Dean was going to run to make it to the alleyway before the guy did so he could take him down unsuspectedly and I was to follow him at a distance to the alley so he would think the attacker was coming from behind.

Dean gave me the hand signal and I obeyed immediately. I snuck out of the car quietly and pulled my black hood on my hoodie over my head. I looked discreetly around to make sure there were no prying eyes around before turning back to the parked Impala.

Dean was already gone. I looked away and made sights on Joseph who was already chugging a travel size bottle of whiskey that he must have kept hidden in his pocket.

I kept a good distance and my head down low just like Dean instructed me to do. He turned down the alleyway where I waited a few seconds to get some more distance between us before following him again.

I could feel my heart beating erratically in my chest as the sound of my heavy footsteps echoed loudly throughout the alley. I noticed the way Joseph start showing the normal signs of paranoia. He was twitching and looking around quickly.

Just like Dean had planned, he turned around quickly to face me. "Who the fuck are yo-"

He dropped quickly to the ground after Dean shoved the napkin doused in Chloroform around his nose and mouth. Dean looked up at me with his green eyes glazing in the moonlight. He looked exactly like he did the night before. Absolutely perfect.

"Help me carry him to the trunk," he told me as he began dragging his unconscious body back to the car.

I obliged and picked up his lower half easily. We dragged him along without another word and threw him into the awaiting trunk of the Impala.

Dean wiped his hands off on his shirt. "Time to show you part two, baby."

XXX

I stood in front of Joseph who was still unconscious. We were in a different room now that Dean called 'the business room'. I walked to go look at the new pictures that were plastered on the walls. There were dozens and dozens of pictures of men and women.

Gruesome pictures that displayed the way they died. Some from gunshot wounds, some from being stabbed and a young woman whose throat was slit ear to ear.

I shuddered to myself and willed myself not to vomit. I needed to get through this. I walked back to the monster in front of me and cringed as my shoes squeaked loudly under the saran wrap that was covering the entire floor and parts of the wall.

Joseph's arms hung above him chained to an old rail that Dean said his dad installed for torturing years ago. His feet didn't touch the ground but hung below him. Dean decided to wrap them together with rope so he couldn't move.

His eyes began to flutter open as he became conscious. "Dean," I whispered.

Dean looked over his shoulder from where he stood in the corner over a table full of different torture devices.

"Why are you whispering?," he whispered back mocking me.

"Uh. I don't know," I said normally.

Dean chuckled and shook his head. "You're cute."

I smiled and rubbed the back of my neck with my hand hoping he wouldn't notice the blush that was steadily creeping up. I was better than this. I wasn't a schoolgirl on the playground. I needed to get it together already.

"Where the hell am I?!," the man began to scream.

I cringed as I heard the way the chains scratched harshly against the rail while he shook them in a panic.

Deans face when dark and he chuckled sinisterly. I stayed facing the wall and listened to Deans own footsteps drag across the saran wrap.

I closed my eyes tightly when the sound of a harsh slap across the face bounced off the walls. "Shut up!," Dean yelled harshly, "Cas! Bring me the small blade on the table."

The man began sobbing lightly while I rummaged around the table. It was filled with different size knifes, two handguns, a scalpel and scissors. I picked up the smallest knife and attempted to control the shiver that ran coldly through my spine.

I held it in my shaky hand and made my way over to Dean who was stating at the photos on the wall. "Dean?," I asked softly.

He jumped slightly but recollected himself quickly. "Sorry," he muttered and took the knife out of my hand.

Josephs eyes widened and he started flailing all over again. "Help me! Help! Someone please help me!," he screamed desperately.

Dean slapped his face hard again and shoved a rag in his mouth. "I said shut up!"

Dean ran a hand down his face before glancing at the wall again. He shook his head and walked quickly over, removing one. He walked back and hung the picture in front of Josephs face angrily.

It was a picture of a beautiful blonde woman and what looked to be her husband in a family portrait. Joseph averted his eyes to floor once he noticed who the woman was.

Dean grabbed his throat quickly and made him look back up at the photograph. "Elaine Benjamin," he spoke gruffly, "Twenty-one years old. Bank teller. She had her entire life ahead of her. Ring any fucking bells?"

The man attempted to shake his head but Deans grip was too strong on his neck. "Don't fucking lie," he said while digging his nails into his throat.

He tried speaking but was only muffled by the rag in his mouth. Dean rolled his eyes and released his neck before pulling the rag out.

He took a deep breath and began coughing. "Enough!," Dean yelled.

He stopped and looked at the photo. "Yes. I- I killed her," he admitted.

Dean frowned and raised an eyebrow. "And what did she do?"

The man looked between Dean and I quickly. I stood awkwardly at Deans side. It was clear that I was just an observer in all of this tonight.

Dean stuck his arm out and pushed me behind him so he couldn't look at me anymore. "Don't fucking look at him and answer me," he spoke darkly.

"She didn't do anything," he said out of breath.

"So, she didn't murder anyone?"

"No."

"Then why did she deserve this?"

The man closed his eyes and paused before Dean grabbed his cheeks tightly. "You have two seconds to answer me before this knife goes in your throat."

"Because," he said through puckered lips. Dean let go reluctantly and flashed the knife that he was holding in his other hand.

"Because she was there!," he admitted.

Dean chuckled. "Hmm. Because she was there? I guess that makes sense."

Joseph nodded quickly with hope filling his chest.

Dean paced in front of him and played with the knife in his hands. "But I guess by your logic it gives me the right to kill you. You know, because you're here."

His eyes widened. "No! No! You can't do this to me! You and I are the same!"

"The same?!," Dean spat with disgust. "Buddy, I kill people like you for a living and you kill people for the hell of it. There's nothing similar about us."

A stray tear rolled down he man's red cheeks as he searched my eyes desperately. "Please. Don't let him do this!," he begged me.

"I said don't speak to him!," Dean yelled bringing the knife up quickly to his throat.

The man whimpered and cried harder. "Ah, I'm not going to kill you," Dean said lowering the threatening knife.

"Y- You're not?," he asked hopefully.

Dean shook his head and handed me the knife while placing a gentle kiss on my forehead. "No. He is," he said gesturing to me.

"Kill him, Cas."


	7. Chapter 7

**Guilty**

I held the knife loosely in my shaking hand. "I- I can't kill someone, Dean."

"Why? You've done it before," he answered easily.

"Under different circumstances. You wouldn't understand."

"Oh, I understand," Dean said with anger forming in his voice.

I gulped nervously. "He hasn't done anything to me."

"So, all these people," he said gesturing to the wall filled with pictures, "deserved it? I guarantee you that they didn't do anything to him either. He just fucking admitted it, Cas!"

I shrugged and avoided his icy gaze that was dead set on me. "What do I need to do to make you break?," Dean asked out loud.

"Maybe if he was Balthazar," he continued as he paced the room for inspiration.

My grip tightened around the knife and Dean seemed to take notice. His eyes shined brightly as an idea formed in his head.

Dean walked quickly up to Joseph and pulled out the now slightly damp rag from his mouth. "Tell me. Have you ever raped a woman?" he asked.

"No," he spat out.

Dean raised an eyebrow and looked back at me then back to Joseph. "So then you've raped a man before."

It wasn't a question. Deans head turned back to me as he reluctantly said 'yes'. My heart felt heavy in my chest.

It was that familiar feeling I got before shooting Balthazar. The feeling of my mouth going dry and the only emotion pouring through me is rage.

I attempted to push it down but only failed when the man spoke again. "He was fucking asking for it."

"Nobody fucking asks for it!," I snapped, visibly shaking.

I walked over to him and cut slowly into the small sliver of skin that was showing from where his shirt had ridden up.

He screamed in pain and I felt myself basking in the sound of it. "You asked to be cut. You shouldn't wear clothes that ride up so easily," I taunted him through his screams.

I turned to Dean who had a small smile playing at his lips. He had a new photo in his hands that he handed to me.

I looked it over quickly. It was a nice looking man in a brown collared shirt and dark jeans. He had his arms crossed as he leaned against a tree. I guessed it was some kind of professional headshot.

The boys eyes burned into mine. They were green like Deans but his gave me a different feeling. Like I was meant to help him.

Dean handed me another photo. It was the same boy but this time he was laying on his back in a field with his throat slit and wide open. His eyes were still open but they didn't carry the life that the previous photo had.

I threw the pictures to the floor and stepped over them to get over to Joseph whose face was twisted in pain still. He threw his head backwards and groaned.

I felt the urge to grab his throat the same way he left the boy in the pictures. I grabbed his cheeks and brought his head back down to face me.

"I'm going to do to you what you did to him."

I threw his head back and quickly dug the knife into his throat before sliding it to the other side slowly.

He started to wither underneath the chains as he desperately clung to life. I watched his dark brown eyes as the light slowly went out of them the same way he must have watched the boy with eyes like Deans.

I exhaled slowly and dropped the knife that was covered in blood. It dropped silently against the plastic wrap.

Dean placed a hand on my shoulder and kissed my temple. "You did it," he whispered proudly.

I pushed him off of me and shook my head. "I thought you said this wouldn't hurt."

Dean wrapped his arms around me and pulled my head into his chest. I listened to the soothing sound of his calm heartbeat. "Oh, its going to hurt. Its going to hurt like hell and you'll even hate yourself. But then you'll realize that these guys deserved it. Just like Balthazar did."

My breath hitched at the sound of his name. I closed my eyes tightly and let a tear spill down my cheek. I wrapped my own arms around Deans back and pulled him closer to me.

He placed his chin on my head ran a comforting hand up and down my back. "You think I do this because I enjoy it? No. I do it to fucking survive."

"Just imagine what would have happened if we didn't kill him tonight. He would be out right now murdering an innocent person. People like that cant change," Dean said hoarsely.

I bit my lip and began to shake uncontrollably. This wasn't supposed to happen. I was supposed to spend the rest of my miserable life in my miserable cell. But now I have even more blood on my hands.

Dean kissed the top of my head sweetly. "Go take a shower and sleep in my bed. Sam can show you how to take care of a body some other time."

I nodded and we both let go of each other simultaneously.

Deans mouth was in a tight firm line but his eyes gave away the real emotion he was feeling at that moment. Guilt. He felt guilty.

My eyes drifted to behind Dean where Joseph hung by his hands still. The blood had stopped pouring put of him. There was a wide trail of blood left from his neck to his shoes.

Blood slowly dripped into a puddle above his sneakers. I felt ill.

"Sam!," Dean cried out before I dropped to my knees and expelled all the contents of my stomach onto the floor.

The heavy door to the room swung open and I could just imagine Sam's wide eyes trying to decipher the situation. It didn't take long.

Sam pulled me up onto my feet and wrapped an arm around my shoulder to help carry me to Deans room. He opened the door and dropped me gently onto the bed.

"It gets better," he whispered reassuringly.

"When?," I asked as my eyes watering up again.

Sam looked sadly at me and shrugged. "Trust me. It does."

He left the room slowly, not sure what else he could say. I felt empty inside. There's no other way to explain it. All I could feel was a hollow ache in my chest. I just needed it to go away.

I looked around the dark room and saw the small clock on the bedside table read '11:02 p.m.' I bit my lip and let my leg shake uncontrollably up and down.

My shaky hand found its way to my mouth. I ran it up and down my face slowly before sighing and standing to my feet quickly. I couldn't hear anyone in the living room so it must be a good sign.

I eyed Deans black hoodie that he wore tonight draped over the chair in the corner. I looked around nervously like someone was watching me but I didn't even care anymore. I needed to leave. Now.

I needed to go confess to the police. I deserved everything they would do to me. I just needed to confess and get this guilt off my shoulders.

I inched my hand closer to the hoodie before hesitating. A voice in my head was screaming at me to grab it and run. I nodded to myself and let out a hitched breath before grabbing it and slipping it easily over me.

I pulled the hoodie swiftly over my head and pulled the strings to tighten it. I walked carefully to the bedroom door and opened it slowly. Sticking my head out and looking up and down the hallway, half expecting someone to be waiting for me to run.

The breath I had been holding since I grabbed the door knob exhaled from me with relief. I stepped out and shut the door quietly and made my way down the long hallway. All the lights were off in the common rooms.

My heart started to pick up its pace the further I made down the bunker to the front door. Part of me was nervous that someone could hear the way it echoed in my chest.

I grabbed the door handle and clenched my eyes while silently praying I wouldn't get caught. I felt the cool breeze hit me as soon as the door opened. While opening my eyes, I quickly turned around to make sure no one was around.

It was clear. I smiled softly and stepped out before closing the heavy door firmly but quietly. The Impala was gone from where it was parked earlier so Dean must still be gone.

I chuckled while my chest swelled with relief. Time to get the hell out of here.


	8. Chapter 8

**A monster is born**

 **Authors note: I am very excited about this story! I finally outlined it after a month of not being able to figure out where I was going with it. It's going to have 18 chapters with no epilogue. I'll be updating daily or every other day. Please review and tell me your thoughts!**

I ran. And I ran. And I ran. I ran until I couldn't breathe anymore. I ran until every ounce of my being was begging me to stop. I ran until my lungs screamed and throbbed against my ribs.

I stopped on a sidewalk and sank to my knees and kept my head down low. I took in deep breaths of the cool night air and focused only on not vomiting.

I felt a gentle tap on my shoulder coming from right next to me. My head snapped up with my reflexes on high alert. I fell on my ass as I looked the man up and down.

He lifted his hands in front of his shoulders and smiled a toothy grin. He had blonde shoulder length hair and dark blue eyes. Under the light of the street light, I could tell he also had a five o' clock shadow forming over his face.

I gulped nervously. Was this someone that worked for Dean? Was he going to kill me now? I saw his lips moving in slow motion as he offered a hand to me.

I closed my eyes and clenched them quickly before opening them back up, feeling all my senses come back and hit me like a freight train.

"Do you need an ambulance?," the man asked with worry while looking me up and down.

I shook my head and tried to regain composure. "I-I'm fine," I lied.

The man raised an eyebrow. "Here," he said moving the hand closer to me that was still outstretched for me to take, "Let me help you up."

I eyed his hand warily, positive that he was about to end my life right now. The man smiled and nodded. I pursed my lips and grabbed his hand letting him hoist me up.

He clamped a hand on my back just like Dean always did. I grimaced and tried not to think about him. He was bad. He was bad. I repeated over and over mentally to myself.

"What are you doing out here?," the man asked while keeping a hand on my shoulder even though I was capable of standing on my own.

"I was running," I replied lowly. I just wanted him to go away. I was never good at social interactions. That was always Gabriel's area.

"You run on these streets? You should be careful. A lot of creeps hang out around here," he said with an easy to miss twinkle in his eye.

I said nothing and only nodded as I walked forward hoping he would get the hint. Instead, he walked right along side me down the sidewalk.

The streets were completely deserted tonight. Great. I winced as he ran a hand down my back.

"I'm Josh," he said as I inched away from him. He smirked and took it as an invitation to get closer.

I stopped walking and rolled my eyes when he did so as well. It was clear he wasn't going to leave me alone. Drastic times call for drastic measures.

I grabbed the hoodie that was still around my head and pulled it down so he could take in my face under the light. I knew he would recognize me from my picture being plastered all over the news today. He would inevitably freak out and call the police on me. I'd go to jail again and that would be the end of this adventure.

Josh's eyes widened as he scanned my features quickly. I smiled softly knowing I was about to go home.

He placed a large hand on my cheek. "Holy shit. You're prettier than I thought," he spoke in a harsh whisper.

I furrowed my brow and stepped out of his touch. "Do you know who I am?," I asked curiously and beginning to grow impatient.

"Of course. You're the hottest guy I've ever had the pleasure of speaking to in all of Lebanon," he said and smiled sinisterly.

I knew that smile. It's the same smile Balthazar gave me that night and it's the same smile I gave him before shooting him. I needed to get far away from this guy.

"Did Dean send you?," I asked while taking a step back.

Josh tilted his head and chuckled. "I don't know a Dean." He took a step closer to me.

This was it fight or flight time. I don't feel like I have any fight left anymore after todays events. I took a deep breath and brought my leg up swiftly while he attempted to corner me against a building.

My foot connected perfectly with his testicles and I couldn't help but feel pride swell in me as he dropped to his knees and onto the sidewalk.

"You fucking bitch!," he sputtered through the pain.

"Right back at you," I replied before running down the sidewalk and taking the first turn.

I ran slower than I did earlier. The adrenaline pushing euphorically through my veins. I turned again down an alleyway and sank down behind a dumpster.

I attempted to control the sounds of my harsh breathing. What I would to see Dean again. I made a mistake. I should have never left. Now I'll never see him again.

I shoved my hands inside the hoodies pocket and felt the cold metal against my skin. I wrapped my hand around it and pulled it out to reveal a decent sized pocket knife. How was I just discovering this?

I waited a few minutes before deciding that I had lost the guy. I stood up slowly and took a step before I heard his menacing voice calling out for me.

I ducked back down by the dumpster and clamped a hand over my mouth to prevent myself from giving away my hiding spot.

"Oh, pretty eyes!," he sing songed. "Where ya at? I promise I wont hurt you," he called out while his footsteps echoed down the sidewalk by the alley.

I trembled and closed my eyes. Think of a happy place. My mind drifted to Deans comforting arms and striking eyes. I would do anything right now to be with him again. Why did I have to be so stupid?

"Dean," I whispered hoarsely. My eyes widened as I realized my mistake. I threw my hand back up to my mouth and listened to a low and disturbing laugh fill up the alley.

"Playing hide n' seek, are we?," he called out while stomping towards me.

This was it. I'm going to die and I never got to experience love or adventure. Of course, it was all my fault but I never expected it to be over this quickly.

I gripped the pocket knife that was still in my other hand and squeezed it. It was Deans knife but I would use it if I had to.

The steps got closer and closer and stopped at the center of the dumpster. He must have thought I was hiding inside of it.

I could hear him rummaging quickly through the trash pile. "I promise I wont hurt you. It'll be quick and painless," he mumbled.

I attempted to calm my nerves and stood up slowly from where I was squatting. I opened the pocket knife and flinched when the 'pop' of it opening echoed in the night.

Josh stopped and lifted his head with a wide smile plastered all over his face. "And I thought you were hiding from me," he said darkly while creeping closer to me.

I white knuckled the knife and lifted it higher to show him I wasn't afraid to use it.

He raised his eyebrows and laughed. "What do you think you're going to do with that?"

I pointed it at him and prayed that he couldn't see my hand physically shaking. My prayers proved to be useless as he grabbed my hand holding the knife tightly.

My eyes widened. This wasn't happening. I looked up and into his eyes and only saw evil. He had done this before.

"Help! Help me!," I cried out.

Josh laughed and gripped my hand tighter while shaking his head. "Its just you and me."

"No," I whispered.

Josh nodded with his wide smile. "Yes. Don't worry. I'll make this quick." He twisted my arm and brought Deans knife up against my throat. How ironic that I would die the same way as the man I killed earlier.

I closed my eyes and saw Deans face in my mind. "Fight back!" he screamed at me. My eyes shot open as he began to dig the knife into my throat.

I only saw red while I grabbed his hair with my free hand and brought his head down quickly to connect harshly with my knee. He cried out and stumbled back. The knife clattering loudly to the pavement.

We locked eyes briefly before we both dived for it. I picked it up quickly and kicked him hard in the head. His hands flew to the place of impact while he screamed and toppled over onto his back.

I smiled victoriously and stood over him. I placed my foot on his chest and played calmly with the knife in my hands.

"Please. Don't kill me," he begged while crying.

I chuckled. "Don't worry. I'll be quick," I replied sarcastically before bringing the knife down quickly and sinking it into his chest where I knew his heart was.

His mouth flew open as he gagged on the blood that began pouring out. I squatted down to watch his eyes as he struggled for a breath. I twisted the knife slowly while smiling like a maniac.

He made a few more gurgled noises before his eyes went completely dim. I felt extremely pleased with myself. It was a different feel than before. Killing on my own gave me a completely different feeling. I felt in control and powerful.

I pulled the knife out of his chest and wiped the blood off on the inside of Deans hoodie. I closed it and slipped it into my back pocket before looking back at the corpse on the pavement.

Shit. Could I just leave him here? How did they get rid of the bodies? I didn't even have a car. Panic began to replace my happiness quickly.

I paced back and forth in front of the body and bit my knuckle. What was I going to do? Should I just turn myself in now?

"Cas," a voice breathed out at the end of the alley.

I turned around quickly and felt all my fears slip away. Dean. It was Dean. And he was here.

Tears welled up in my eyes as I ran and threw my arms around him. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't know what I did. I'm so sorry."

Dean ran a hand though my hair and hushed me. "Its okay," he whispered comfortingly. "I'm going to fix this."

I nodded and pulled back to search his eyes. His face was full of worry but it was slowly slipping away. I crashed my lips onto his and melted into him when he wrapped me up tighter.

Dean pulled away first and placed his hands on both sides of my face.

"Don't ever leave me again."


	9. Chapter 9

**Animal**

"I won't. I promise I never will," I confirmed to him with wide eyes.

Dean closed his eyes and rested his forehead on mine. His thumb gently brushed against my bottom lip as his breath hitched slightly. We stayed like that for a few minutes before he pulled away and looked at the warm corpse a couple of feet away from us.

"Why did you kill him?," Dean asked me.

I opened my mouth to tell him it was self defense before he hushed me. "You can tell me later. Right now, we need to get him out of here. I have some equipment in my trunk so I'll go get that and you stay with him. And do not touch him."

I nodded quickly and hesitated when Dean pulled me in for another quick kiss. He smiled as he took one last look at the body before turning around and leaving.

I stood over the man and couldn't help but think that if I hadn't grabbed Deans hoodie then the corpse would be me. I closed my eyes and shuddered.

I hated Dean being away from me and leaving me with my thoughts. I knew the feeling I got when I ended this pathetic mans life. I liked it. In fact, I fucking loved it.

My hand twitched. My mind began racing of the other ways I could kill someone else. The power I felt from overtaking him and shoving the knife where it belonged. It was indescribable. And I needed more.

"Cas," Dean spoke lowly, ripping me out of my disturbing thoughts.

I opened my eyes and looked at Dean who had a shovel in his now gloved hands. He tossed me a rolled up pair and tightened his lips into a firm line.

I rolled the gloves onto my hands and gestured at the shovel. "What are you planning to do with that?"

Dean handed the shovel over to me and picked up a medium sized tarp that he had also brought with him. "Murder 101, baby," he said with a coy wink.

He walked up to Josh and rolled him onto his side with this foot. Quickly, he spread out the blue tarp on the pavement and rolled Josh back onto his back. Dean looked at me and placed his hands on the shovel that I was still holding.

Our hands brushed lightly against each others when he took the shovel from my hands. He smiled predatorily and turned back to finish what he was doing.

With Josh fully sprawled out on the tarp, Dean stood over his body with his legs on either side of his body. Dean brought the shovel straight up aligning with his neck and brought it down just as quick.

I let out a loud gasp when his head rolled to the top of the tarp. My hands swung to cover my mouth as I stared at Dean with wide eyes who was now splattered with the other mans blood.

He wiped his forehead with his arm and smiled boyishly. "What?," he asked amused. "He's already dead."

I trembled and backed up against the wall while Dean turned back to his task and rolled the decapitated head over to the body with his bloody shovel.

Dean checked the bottom of his shoes to make sure there were no traces of blood before he stepped off the tarp and onto the pavement. He folded a piece over the body and rolled him along with the head being shoved against the bodies torso.

I continued to watch even when he pulled yellow thin rope out of his jeans pockets and began to wrap it around the tarp. He tied it tightly at the end and middle along where the body was.

Dean stood up and exhaled before stealing a glance at me. I was unaffected by everything that's happened in the past week but I wasn't ready to ask myself why just yet.

Dean strolled over to me and leaned in for a kiss. I obliged and brushed my lips softly against his and pulled away.

Dean gestured his head down the alley way where the Impala was parked. "Go get in. I'll put the body in the trunk," he instructed me.

I nodded and took a step to leave. Dean grabbed my arm quickly and spun me around to face him. "Don't scare me like that again, he whispered with raw emotion.

I placed a phantom kiss on his temple and walked to the familiar black Impala. I closed the door and settled comfortably into the passenger seat and sighed.

My mind rewound the past hours event over and over in my head. Yet, I didn't feel the guilt that once swallowed me. I felt relief when I ended his life. And yes. I enjoyed it.

The car door opened and Dean slid in gently. He smiled and rolled the disposable gloves off his hands. He tossed them into the cup holder and started the car to leave.

I crossed my arms across my chest and rested my head against the cool window. I watched hazily as buildings and street lights passed in a blur.

I felt my exhaustion get the best in me as I slipped into a dead sleep.

What felt like hours later, Dean was picking me up bridal style and walking into the bunker. He kicked the front door closed and walked me to his room where he laid me down on his bed.

I sat up and rubbed my eyes. The sun was beginning to peak up and shine through his bedrooms dark curtains. Dean kicked his shoes off and threw off his jacket and shirt.

I licked my lips as the sleep left my eyes and I began to focus on his body. He turned around and smiled sheepishly. "Like what you see?," he asked.

I nodded slowly and held my breath when Dean stalked over to where I sat. He pulled the hoodie over my head and tossed it to the floor following my t shirt.

He pulled his own jeans off and kicked out of them leaving only his boxer briefs before climbing into the other side of the bed.

I swallowed nervously and stood up. Then, I looped my fingers through the pants belt loops and pulled them down slowly.

Dean grinned wolfishly while he watched perched up on his pillow. I stood in only the black and white stripped boxers that Dean provided me with earlier before I slid in eagerly next to him.

Dean opened his arm as an invitation for me to lie on him. I accepted happily and placed my head on his chest while he wrapped an arm around me protectively.

We laid serenely for a few minutes before I broke the silence. "We should really take a shower."

Dean chuckled. "Really? That's what you want to talk about after the night we had?"

I shrugged carelessly and dug my head deeper into his chest. "Too tired. Lets take a nap and then shower," Dean murmured into my hair.

I nodded and closed my eyes. Ready for sleep to take over me. Dean ran a hand through my hair and sighed.

"So, why did you kill him?"

"It was self defense," I explained with my eyes closed.

"How?," he continued to question me. I knew it was coming.

"He followed me and tried to attack me. I took him down and hid. He found me then attempted to cut my throat with your pocket knife," I said through a shaky voice.

Deans breath hitched as he took in my words. His grip around me tightened. "That's when I heard you."

"What?," I asked. It had never even crossed my mind how Dean had found me. I must have been miles from home.

"I heard you. Your sweet voice calling and begging for help then it was silent. I was scared out of my mind. I had been out searching everywhere for you," he explained softly.

I said nothing as Deans breathing chilled back out. His chest moved up and down evenly indicating that he was almost asleep.

"I killed him and I liked it," I whispered.

"Huh?," he asked voice barely above a whisper.

I opened my eyes slowly and stared at the plain white walls. "I liked killing him."

Dean said nothing but I knew he was smiling. He ran a heavy hand up and down my arm. "Good boy," he praised

I liked the way his praise shot through me like it was the only thing in the world that mattered. Pleasing Dean Winchester.

I exhaled the breath I had been holding and closed my eyes. Letting the darkness consume me. The last thing on my mind being my updated body count.


	10. Chapter 10

**Secrets**

 **Authors note: Thanks to everyone being so patient! I know I said every day or every other day but I'm still out of town so I'm having to write this on my tablet which sucks. The regular schedule should be back to normal by next week! And yay for being more than halfway done!**

I sat on the couch next to Sam wearing the new clothes he had brought home for me. A pair of snug blue jeans, black converse and a plain black t shirt. I had one of Deans blue flannels over the shirt. It made me feel safe being wrapped up in his scent.

I was waiting for Dean to get out of the shower so we could leave. Where? I have no idea.

Sam sat casually on the sofa while flipping mindless through television channels. "Great job on your kills the other day," he commented before settling on a history documentary.

Benny, who was sat in a recliner that caddy cornered the sofa, mumbled under his breath while cleaning a hand gun.

I raised my eyebrow while Sam rolled his eyes. Feeling confrontational, I looked over to him with an unamused glare. "Care to say it out loud?"

Benny placed the gun on his lap and crossed his arms. His face was twisted as if he had smelled something rotten. "What? Do you want a cookie for doing your fucking job?," he spat at me. Each word sounding like venom as they exited his mouth.

I tilted my head and balled my fists up. Sam noticed but said nothing most likely wanting to stay out of yet another one of Benny's pissy fits. "Sorry I'm not accustomed to murdering people for a living. Also, I've never even seen you kill someone so who's really not doing their job now?," I shot back.

Benny pursed his lips while Sam tried to hide his amused laughter behind his hand. "Kid, I've killed more people than you've ever met," Benny said angrily.

Sam started laughing louder now. "Enough with the pissing contest, Benny!"

Benny frowned and put his gun back together quickly. I stood to go find Dean before things escalated anymore.

Benny stood also with his handgun pointing straight at me. I stared at the barrel but felt no fear. Another new thing I can add to the list of interesting facts about myself.

Sam continued to sit but looked back and forth at the two of us quickly. As if he was trying to decipher the situation for himself.

Benny took the safety off while never wavering the guns position aiming at my chest. He must have really hated me.

"I'll shot you. I don't give a shit if your Deans pet of the week. You mean nothing to me," he said with cold, hard eyes.

I stood motionless in front of him and decided against saying anything to piss him off even more. Even I knew it was idiotic to banter with someone who quite literally held your life in their hands.

"What the fuck is going on?," came Deans angry and loud voice from the side of me.

I didn't bother to turn to face him. Nervous that if I looked away for even a second that Benny would take his chance to get rid of me.

Dean stood in front of me and offered his hand from behind his back while facing Benny and his gun. I took it and held it in my hand as I pressed myself firmly against the length of Deans back.

"Benny! Stand the fuck down right now," Dean growled lowly in his throat.

I wasn't even going to ignore how much that was a turn on. To see Dean so protective and animalistic was going to drive me crazy.

I peaked my head over Dean shoulder and saw Benny's face fall. He lowered the gun and switched the safety back on before placing it in the waistband of his jeans.

There was something about the way Benny obeyed everything Dean told him to do. Not that I was any different but that was the point. Benny bowed his head slightly and had the decency to look ashamed of himself. "I'm sorry," he said lowly more to Dean than to me.

"Don't tell me that," Dean replied as he pulled my arm to bring me underneath his muscular arm.

I smiled like I just got picked first for dodgeball. Benny scowled at me while he muttered a half assed apology my way.

Dean watched as Benny left the living room with a metaphoric tail between his legs. He turned his head and placed a gentle kiss on my forehead. "Don't let that asshole bother you."

I nodded and broke away from Dean to collect myself. He turned to Sam and threw his hands up. "Thanks for the help, bitch," he said sarcastically to his younger brother.

Sam laughed and shrugged in a 'what are you going to do' way.

XXX

"Where are we going?," I asked from the passenger seat of a black dodge avenger.

Dean switched vehicles tonight to separate his impala from the crime scene where Cas killed Josh. It had been three days and Dean has yet to make him kill again but if he was being honest about it, his skin was crawling to dig another knife into someone.

But he knew that wasn't what this was disappointingly. Tonight, Sam and Crowley were using the business room for some of their own kills.

"You'll see," Dean said with a smirk on his face.

I sighed and looked down at out in twined hands that rested in between us. A small smile pulled at my lips. I couldn't remember the last time anyone gave me the feelings that Dean did or if there was even anyone at all that's ever made me feel as alive as I do with him.

The sounds of Guns N' Roses flooded the car playing one of my favorite songs. 'Sweet child o' mine.' I closed my eyes and hummed softly to the guitar intro.

The verse began sweetly as I looked over and into Deans eyes whose full attention was now on me. The light reluctantly turned green and I felt a twinge of sadness as Deans eyes tore back to pay attention to the road.

He sang softly from the front seat as a sappy smile played on his lips. And I thought he couldn't get anymore beautiful.

The car pulled into park but I couldn't care to take my eyes off the one thing that makes me feel right. Dean turned to face me and placed a soft hand on my face as he sang.

"He's got eyes of the bluest skies as if they thought of rain. I hate to look into those eyes and see an ounce of pain," he altered the lyrics while leaning closer.

The end of his sentence now tickling my lips before he firmly pressed against mine I moaned lowly and kissed back just as reverently if not more. His tongue traced my lips in a question of entrance.

I agreed willingly and let his tongue find its way into my mouth and mine into his. Our tongues danced slowly to the hum of the guitars flooding through the speakers.

It was heated. It was passionate and it was not like anything I have ever experienced. I knew in that moment that I would be forever lost to Dean Winchester.

Dean pulled away gently as the music came to an end. He placed his forehead onto mine and smiled.

"In a world like this, it's hard to find something worth living for. I'm damn lucky I found you," he whispered and pulled away.

I squeezed my eyes shut as if Dean would be gone when I reopened them. I could still feel the trace of his lips against mine. It was addicting and I could only count down the minutes until I could get them again.

"Come on," Dean whispered pulling me out of my lustful haze.

I opened my eyes and actually took the time to take in my surroundings. We were at what looked to be a beach of some kind. It was hard to make out all the details through the night fog but I was certain that I could definitely hear waves crashing.

Dean reached into the backseat and pulled out a small blanket that was neatly folded before climbing out of his seat. He briskly walked over to my side where he opened my door as well with a goofy but lovable smile plastered all over his face.

I pretended to swoon as I got out and pecked his lips chastely. "Well, aren't you a romantic," I teased.

Dean shut the door softly and locked the car. He bent his arm, offering for me to wrap my arm around it. "Oh, baby. You haven't seen anything yet."

XXX

We sat on a dock that led to the ocean. It was about midnight and the full moon was shining bright above us.

We took the precautions to take our shoes off so we could dip our feet into the cool water. I sat with my head resting on Deans shoulder and his arm wrapped tightly around my shoulders.

The blanket he brought was wrapped snugly around us both. Everything was perfect. Just a week ago, he was some stranger who seemed to know everything about me. Now, I was learning about him.

We may not have met the conventional way but sometimes life doesn't go exactly the way you plan. And I was one hundred percent okay with that.

"When did you first know that you wanted me?," I asked out loud, breaking the comfortable silence we were once sharing.

"The moment I laid eyes on you," he answered without a beat.

"And when was that?," I questioned. I was just genuinely curious and now is as good a time as any to ask.

Dean seemed to think for a moment. "It was in Lawrence," he recalled before continuing, "I had to hunt down this guy who was attending the Kansas States graduation."

"My school," I noted softly.

Dean nodded and looked off into the waves that were beginning to slow down. "Yeah. Three years ago, like I said. I sat in the stands directly behind the guy. I remember just staring so hard at him so I wouldn't lose him. But then I realized how creepy that might have looked so I started to watch the actually ceremony."

"They had that pretty cool flat screen hanging up that projected your class as they walked onto stage to grab their diplomas. It was actually pretty cool. I've never been to a graduation before. The moment I looked up they had called out 'Castiel James Novak.' You were fucking beautiful. You still are, but even more so when I first saw you. I was so floored by you that I almost lost sight of my target but I knew I would never forget that face or name. That night, I tortured that guy and all I could do was imagine you alongside me digging a blade into him. I knew I had to have you."

I let out the breath I didn't realize I had been holding while he spoke so calmly about stalking me.

"And when that fucking piece of shit tried to touch you a few years later, I had half a mind to impale him right hen and there but no matter how pissed off I was, I knew I had methods I had to follow so I planned his kidnap and murder carefully," Dean spoke about my late boss.

"I was ready. So fucking ready to take him that night. I was sitting in my car across the street with a good view of the alley way he had pulled you into on the way to your car. I had actually almost jumped out but then you fought back," he said with obvious pride.

"You fought back and you killed him. I didn't have the tools with me to clean up a murder just yet. Only shit to knock him out with so I raced home only to find out that you had turned yourself in. It fucking blew but I knew I couldn't go another day on this planet without you. And that's when I devised the plan to get you," Dean finished and turned back to me.

I was sure my face was still twisted in shock at Deans words. I knew he watched me for three years but I wasn't aware just how deep it went and I knew my immediate reaction wasn't the most sane to have.

I threw my arms around his shoulders and pulled him into me. Our lips met messily while our teeth clattered against each others. I couldn't find it in me to care.

The only thing I knew for certain was that my world began and ended with Dean Winchester.


	11. Chapter 11

**Levels**

I pushed Dean heatedly through the door to the bedroom we shared. Dean slammed the door with his foot and lifted his shirt over his head.

He groaned into my mouth while fumbling with my belt. I gained control quickly and pushed him down onto the bed where I removed his jeans quickly.

Dean thrusted his hips up sensually as I slid my hands up his thighs that were only covered now by his thin boxer briefs. The outline of his erection obvious.

I growled lowly and tore my own t shirt off and discarded my jeans into the growing pile of stray clothes that littered the floor. Dean continued laying down panting breathlessly while looking at me with hooded eyes. His beautiful green eyes were now blown with lust and need.

I smiled slowly and crawled on top of him. Only a thin piece of fabric separating them from one another. Dean wiggled underneath him with begging eyes.

I dipped my head back down to trail his lips and neck with a line of passionate kisses. I couldn't get enough of him.

Dean reached up to explore my body with curious hands. I moaned louder this time but reached to grab his hands. I pinned his hands down above his head and shot him a warning glare. Not that I didn't want him touching me but this was more fun. This game they were playing.

Dean responded by grinding his erection deeper into my hips. Caught off by the sudden enthusiastic reaction, I closed my eyes and let my own erection rub with more force on Deans.

Grabbing both his wrists with one hand to free my other, I reached down excitedly and removed his briefs then following through with mine. With nothing separating us now, I could begin to feel the heat radiating off of Dean and feel the precum that was acting as lubricant between us.

We both groaned at the sudden skin to skin contact that we had been depriving ourselves of for all too long. I let go of Deans wrists and let my hand explore down to Deans length.

I gently wrapped my hand around his impressive shafts and lazily wiped at the precum that had built up with my thumb. Dean moaned lowly but bucked his hips up. I smiled and leaned down to kiss him.

He kissed me with hunger and ran his nails down my back making it arch and our cock nearly wrapping around each other if that was possible. I knew I wouldn't last long.

I pulled away from his needing lips and stared into his lust filled eyes that I could feel myself falling in love with. "Please, Dean. I need you," I whispered with want.

Dean nodded back and pointed his head in the direction of his bedside drawer. My eyes lit up as I pulled out the condom and lube out of the drawer.

I layered my index finger with the lube and gently circled his puckered hole. Dean groaned at the contact of the cold liquid.

"Are you sure?," I whispered.

Dean nodded quickly and swallowed. "Yes. Please fuck me, Cas."

I smiled and inserted the prepped finger. Dean arched his back and muttered profanities.

I slid the finger in and out slowly to get Dean use to it before I gently added another finger to the mix. I pumped harder this time. Dena withered underneath me. "Please, Cas. I can't take it anymore."

I added a third finger, fucking in and out of him roughly with him begging and coming undone. I felt so in control and powerful. It was a high that I could ride forever. But right now, I needed to be inside him.

"Fuck! Cas!," Dean cried out while his mouth formed an 'O' shape. I must have hit the bundle of nerves that was his prostate.

I bit my lips and pulled my fingers out of him quickly, leaving him feeling empty. Bringing the condom up to my mouth, I ripped open the condom and rolled it onto my untouched cock.

Dean pulled me closer to him so I could align properly with him. I placed the tip along his semi- open hole and stopped. I looked into his eyes that displayed that he was feeling confused. Taking a nervous breath, I decided to speak my mind.

"I love you," I said so softly that it could have been possible that Dean didn't hear me.

Judging by his reaction, he definitely did. "Fuck me already," was the only thing he offered back.

I ignored the pain in my chest but did as he said. Pressing deeper and deeper into him. Inch by inch right into him.

The tightness and heat surrounded me but made me feel right at home. Yep. I was not going to last long at all.

I bottomed out and waited for Dean to adjust to me being inside him. As soon as he gave me silent, pleading eyes, I began to move.

It was slow at first, just taking in all of Dean and enjoying every second of his perfect. But every time he looked at me with doe eyes, it stirred something in me that triggered me to mercilessly pound into him.

Dean seemed to enjoy my rougher side more than the slow and steady. And of course he did because he's fucking perfect.

I moaned praises of his body and of how well he could take me as I continued to fuck him. Something tells me that Dean would disapprove of me saying that we were making love. And whoever said that making love was only gentle and sweet?

This was the complete opposite. Dean withered underneath me while he jerked himself off quickly.

"I'm gonna…," he started before his cum shot up, coating my stomach as well as his chest.

I knew I didn't want this to end but there was no way that I would last another second after witnessing Dean Winchester come completely undone like that.

I placed a hand on the side of his head and closed my eyes tightly as I came in a rush. Deans name on my tongue like a fucking prayer.

I collapsed lightly on top of him and pressed our sweaty foreheads against each other before pulling out. My chest heaved up and down quickly as I tried to regain control of my breathing.

Dean smiled softly and pressed a small kiss to the tip of my nose. I let out a small chuckle and fell onto the bed next to him. We laid silently for what felt like hours but what was more like three minutes.

"We should probably clean up," Dean commented.

"Yeah," I agreed but made absolutely no move to get up.

Dean laughed and sat up before grabbing a discarded t shirt and wiping his chest down with it. I followed and rolled the used condom off and tied it up. Tossing it into the trash bin by the bed, I turned to Dean who was wiping down my stomach with the t shirt he was just using.

I smiled at the small gesture and looked at the clock to see that it was now four in the morning. This means that any sane person would be asleep hours ago but he's learned recently that he is not sane. Not in any way.

Dean sat on the edge of the bed with a fresh pair of sweatpants hanging off his pants. He tossed me a pair and turned back to face the wall.

I slid on the sweatpants and crawled over to where he sat. Placing a hand on his shoulder, I pulled him back gently.

Dean didn't respond to my touch and continued to stare at the wall. "Dean?," I asked softly.

"Hm?," Dean murmured.

"Can we just forget what I said?," I asked hopefully.

Dean said nothing but dropped his head down lower. "Just try to get some sleep, Cas," he said before getting up and walking out of the room.

I bit my bottom lip to stop it from quivering. No. I wasn't going to cry just because a man didn't love me back. I was stronger than that.

All I could feel was rage growing in my chest. Dean was the one that hunted me down, the one that stalked me for a good part of my life, the one that broke me out of prison and the one that had no fucking right to play with my head.

My hands itched with the urge to kill the next person I saw but the voice inside my head told me to get some sleep. It was Gabriel's voice. Every time a wicked thought creep into my brain it would always be Gabe that would pull me out of my darkness.

But lately Deans voice has been out yelling Gabe's in my head. And I honestly didn't know how I felt about it. Not yet anyways.

I sighed and laid back on the bed where Dean and I had been just moments before. He would still be here if I hadn't opened my mouth like an idiot.

I covered myself up with the soft blanket that smelled of Dean and let myself drift off into dreams of green eyes and bright red blood.

XXX

I woke up a few hours later alone in bed. Looking at the alarm clock reading that it was eleven a.m., I jumped out of bed. What if Dean left last night and just never came back?

My heart pounded rapidly in my chest as I threw on a clean shirt and some of my new jeans. I slipped on my plain black Vans shoes and walked into the hallway.

I could hear the chatter of Sam and Garth coming from the living room. I listened closely to see if Deans voice was anywhere in that mix. It wasn't.

I walked in the living room where Sam and Garth were watching some old movie. After leaning on the door frame and crossing my arms, Garth noticed me.

"Oh, hey Castiel," he said with a wide smile.

"Hey, Garth. Have you guys seen Dean today?," I asked casually.

Sam nodded and pointed a thumb down the other hallway where the business room was. "He's been in there for about four hours now."

"Why? Who does he have?," I asked.

Sam shrugged. "I don't know. I think Benny is in there helping him, too."

My fist balled up by my side as many questions ran through my head. Why Benny? Why didn't Dean ask me to help him?

I clenched my jaw and nodded at Sam before walking down the hallway. I shoved open the heavy door, revealing Benny and Dean at the weapons table, their backs turned to me.

A woman was hanging by the chains. Beaten and bloody. She probably didn't even notice that I had entered. Her eyes seemed to be swollen shut. Her short brown hair sticking to the blood on her face.

I could feel the adrenaline begin to push addictively through my veins. I stared at her a moment before looking back at the other men in the room. Benny's hand was now on the small of Deans back.

Dean was smiling back at Benny. "Hello, Dean," I said, announcing my presence.

Dean's head snapped towards the door quickly. "Cas, I told you to get some sleep."

I crossed my arms and scowled. "Pretty sure that was seven hours ago. What are you doing?"

Dean shrugged as Benny smirked at me. "I'm working."

"Business or pleasure?," I asked before stepping further into the room.

Dean smiled his boyish grin. "Pleasure."

I nodded and looked at the woman who's head was slumped. Her chest barely moving up and down.

"Can I kill her?," I asked with hope growing in my chest.

Dean shook his head as soon as the question left my mouth. "No. I don't want you anywhere near here."

"Dean," I started.

"I said no, Cas!," he snapped.

I looked behind Dean where Benny still stood with a haunting smile and gleam in his eye. Dean caught my gaze and shook his head slightly.

"Benny, could you leave us alone?," he asked.

Benny nodded and lightly ran a lingering hand up and down Deans back before he exited the room.

I raised an angry eyebrow at Dean and waited for him to explain himself.

"There's nothing going on," he said quietly as if he could read my thoughts.

I nodded and looked him up and down. He squirmed uncomfortably under my scrutiny.

"Why didn't you ask me to help you?," I asked.

He looked pained as he looked at his feet. I tilted his chin up with my finger and made him look into my eyes.

He bit his lip then sighed. "Because I'm bad for you. I thought that's what I wanted but now," he shrugged and gestured his hand at the girl, "I don't know."

"So, you're just giving up?," I question while moving into his personal space.

"I guess I am," he admitted.

I ignored the way it felt like my stomach dropped. I took another step closer. Our faces just mere inches from each other. I knew he could feel the heat of my breath on his lips.

Dean swallowed nervously but I didn't miss the way his eyes flicked to my lips.

I took another step forward and brushed our lips slightly together. "So you're going to just give this up?"

Dean trembled but he said nothing. I took it as a good sign. Placing my hands on his cheeks, I pulled her faces together so our lips could finally meet.

Dean kissed back and the kiss became more heated. I pulled away. "I don't think that's what you want."

Dean said nothing as I took the knife he had been clenching in his hand. I winked at him suggestively before walking over to the girl.

"Who is this, Dean?," I asked while pointing at her with the knife.

The walls were empty and bare meaning that this was a spontaneous kill. Dean looked away sheepishly. "The reporter."

I furrowed my brow and tilted my head looking at the girl closer now. She did kind of look like the woman who did the news report on me.

I looked back at Dean. "Why?"

"Because she was making you out to be some kind of monster but you're not. She needed to be taught a lesson."

I nodded and turned to the girl who was barely holding on. "Cas. Don't," Dean said gently.

I smiled wickedly at Dean before plunging the knife deep into her stomach. She screamed and wipers while blood dripped down onto my hand.

I didn't even bother to watch the life leave her eyes. My favorite part. Instead, I watched Deans reaction.

His eyes grew wide before something dark settled across his features. He briskly walked to where I was and grabbed my face hard before bringing our lips down onto each others.

It was a wet mess of teeth, tongue and dominance. I left the knife in the woman and placed my bloody hand on Deans face. He pulled away and searched my eyes for something that I couldn't tell what.

"Cas?," he asked as his green eyes seared into mine.

"Yes, Dean?," I asked back.

"I love you, too."


	12. Chapter 12

**In the night**

Two months. Its been two months since Dean and I professed our love for each other.

Everything in the bunker was going normally. Well, as normal as could be. Dean accompanied me closely on kills for weeks but now trusts me completely to get the job done right.

I lost count on just how many people have died and suffered at my hands. None of it mattered. The days blurred mindlessly together and the only thing that could make me feel alive was Dean or ending a life.

Hey, I told you I was a monster.

XXX

I slammed the door down hard and wiped my hands of all the stray dirt that had gathered up during the process. I could hear him screaming beautifully just inside, begging for someone to help. I chuckled while my phone rang incessantly in my pocket.

I stepped away from the sounds of screams and further into the woods. "Hey, babe," I answered casually.

"Cas. Where the hell are you?," Dean asked.

I rolled my eyes and turned my head back to the small abandoned warehouse on the edge of the woods. Dean had no idea that this is where I spent most of my days and nights.

"I'm picking up dinner," I lied easily.

"You've been gone for two hours. Are you hunting the dinner?," Dean said bitterly through the phone.

A small smirk tugged at the corners of my lips. Oh, if only he knew. I already knew how that conversation would go. Dean may be a serial killer but he has a strange amount of morals. Vowing not to kill someone if they didn't deserve it.

"Okay. You got me," I mumbled playfully.

"What is it, Cas? Are you in trouble?," Dean asked with worry clear in his voice.

I smiled and pictured how his face must look right now. The way his eyebrows scrunch together and his nose wrinkles up when he's worried about me.

"No, Dean. I was going to surprise you but I'm trying to find you the perfect pie. I know how much you love them."

"A pie?," Dean asked excitedly.

"Apple?"

"Hmm," he hummed into my ear, "Blueberry?"

"Anything for you," I assured him.

"Damn, I love you. Hurry home. I miss you," he replied sweetly.

My heart swelled with love at Dean's words. That I could do. Other things would just simply have to wait. "I love and miss you, too. I'll be home soon."

I hung up and slipped my phone into my back pocket while walking back to the warehouse. I lifted the heavy garage like door and admired my handy work before stepping deeper into the space.

A tall, slender blonde man sat in the wooden chair with his arms tied down tightly to the sides. He wiggled and screamed with blood running viciously down his hands, causing puddles to form.

His legs were also spread and tied down tightly. There was no way he was getting out of this even if he broke the entire chair. I laughed while stepping closer and closer to him. It was always so fun to see the way they tried to escape.

They all differed. Some were feisty and fought back, some bargained, some begged and others accepted it. It was all so fascinating. Of course, none of them ever made it out alive.

"Please. Don't kill me," he spoke in a British accent, "I'll do whatever you want."

I chuckled darkly and shook my head. So, he was a bargainer. I took the wallet out of his front pocket and looked at his drivers license that the small clear square inside was displaying.

"Balthazar is it?"

The man nodded quickly as he searched my eyes for any kind of sympathy. He wouldn't find any.

I threw his wallet down onto the floor and ran a hand through my hair. Damn. I didn't have enough time to play with him.

"Well, Balthazar. I gotta go. My boyfriend wants pie so its my duty to make sure he's happy. You understand, right?," I asked rhetorically.

"You're just going to leave me here?," he shouted angrily.

I laughed and pulled out the rag in my pocket. His eyes went wide before I shoved it into his mouth and placed a piece of duct tape over it.

"Yeah. Yeah, I am. But hey, nothing personal," I replied with a twisted smile.

"But here, I'll leave you with this," I said and pulled put a short pocket knife before stabbing him in his right leg right above his knee.

He screamed around the homemade gag. My eyes lit up as his filled with pain. It just never gets old.

I walked out of the warehouse and slammed the door back down before locking it into place with the lock I had bought and installed myself.

Wishing so desperately that I could stay and play but right now, Dean needed me.

XXX

Deans eyes lit up as I walked through the front door with sacs of burgers and a box of blueberry pie in tow.

He greedily took the pie from me and placed a kiss on my forehead. "Took you long enough," he muttered with a small smile.

"I know. I know. Its hard to find a bakery around here with blueberry already made," I lied.

"I know, babe. I'm just glad you're home."

I smiled and set the bags on the table and pulled out Deans chair for him. He smiled at me appreciatively and sat down. I sat across from him and unwrapped my own burger.

Dean moaned around his and rolled his eyes back into his head dramatically. I laughed and grinned at him while he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively at me. Another thing that never gets old is this. Just being with Dean and being normal.

"So, what are you doing tonight?," Dean asked me in between bites.

I shrugged although my mind immediately drifted to the blonde man in my warehouse. I looked at Dean, "Why? Do you have a job tonight?"

Dean shook his head and swallowed down the burger. "Nah. Not tonight. So, I was thinking that we could go out. Maybe to the bar?"

My eyes lit up at the suggestion. The bar. It was the perfect hunting grounds. I nodded in agreement. "Yeah, that would be fun."

Dean smiled and wiped his hands with a napkin. "It's a date."

XXX

Two hours later, after a _very_ distracting shower and then again in our bedroom, we were pushing our way through the doors of a small dive bar.

Dean scanned the room quickly and took a seat at the bar while ordering them two beers. I took a seat next to Dean and looked around slowly. It seemed to be a popular bar with college kids. They were all in booths talking amongst one another or playing pool casually.

"What are you thinking about?," Dean asked before raising his beer bottle up to his lips.

"Just how hot you look tonight," I answered as a dark look settled over my face.

Deans eyebrows raised while he licked his lips. Oh, he was definitely looking hot right now.

I smiled down at the bar. Only Dean Winchester could do this to me.

"So, where's your family?," Dean asked.

My head shot up as I squinted at him. Two months together and we've never actually spoken on that kind of level before. I didn't quite know what to make of it yet.

"What do you mean? Shouldn't you know everything about me?," I challenged him while bringing my own beer to my lips.

Mmm. The cool liquid felt heavenly sliding smoothly down my throat. Dean smirked and shrugged slightly.

"I do. I mean, I-I did," he replied earnestly.

I tilted my head. "So, what do you know then?"

"Well, when I was, you know, watching you all those years," his eyes flickered down in embarrassment. It was absolutely adorable. "I know that you have a brother and that your mom and sister died in a car accident. Also, your dad died a few months before you were even born."

I pursed my lips and nodded as I thought back to my family. I haven't so much as thought of mom and Ana in years. "That about sums it up," I said dryly.

"Ever since I had you officially, I haven't been able to keep up with Gabriel. Where is he?," Dean continued to interrogate.

My grip tightened around the glass bottle. "Illinois" I said through clenched teeth.

"Pontiac?," Dean asked even though I knew he knew.

"Yep," I replied simply.

"Oh, cool. Maybe we could go visit him," he suggested with a small smile.

I tightened my grip even more causing the glass to shatter in the palm of my hand and the remaining beer to go flying. Dean stood up and checked my hand to examine the cuts I caused.

I stood up and brushed him off. "I'm leaving," I said with no room for arguments. I just needed to get to Balthazar.

"We rode together, Cas," Dean replied, following me out of the door.

"I'll walk."

"No you fucking won't," he nearly shouted.

"Excuse me," a new voice from beside us.

I looked at the short homeless man and rolled my eyes. I walked further away from both of them.

"Cas!," Dean called my name and caught up with me.

He turned my arm to face him on the sidewalk only lit up by the small streetlight above us.

"Talk to me," he begged. "What's going on with you lately?"

"Please, if I could just trouble you gentleman for some spare change," the homeless man interrupted.

It was Deans turn to roll his eyes. He turned to the man. "What's your name?"

"Metatron, sir," he answered back.

"I'm sorry, I don't have any spare change on me, man," Dean said apologetically.

I stuck my hands in my pocket and rubbed the folded up pocket knife that I killed Josh with two months ago.

Dean turned back to me. "Come on, Cas. Talk to me. We're a team."

I opened my mouth to reply but was once again cut off by Metatron. "I just need enough for a burger."

Something inside me snapped. Maybe it was from the built up frustration of not being able to go to my warehouse or the anger . rushed through me at Deans incessant questions but something made me snap.

I flipped the pocket knife open before anyone had time to react and shoved it quickly into the side of the mans neck.

His shaky hands shot up to where the knife was lodged as he choked on the blood that was beginning to pool out of his open mouth. He looked at me for help before falling to his knees then onto his stomach.

"Cas! What the fuck do you think you're doing?!," Dean screamed in disbelief while looking around for any potential witnesses.

I shrugged. "He was annoying me."

"So you fucking kill him?," he continued yelling. He looked lost as if this wasn't something that he saw every day. Hell, he's seen much worse.

I didn't answer and only stared at the dead body at our feet. "Fuck. Help me drag him," Dean instructed.

We drug him by his legs into the alleyway next to the sidewalk we were just on. Dean rolled him onto this back and placed him on the brick wall like he was just sitting there. Only a small trickle of blood followed the body.

I leaned over and pulled my favorite knife out of his neck. Blood gushed out of the corpse and ran down his side. I wiped down the blade with the mans jacket and folded it back up before pocketing it into my jeans.

Dean stared at me like I had just kicked a puppy. "What?" I asked even though I knew the conversation that was coming.

"How long?," he asked with tears pooling into the corners of his eyes.

"How long what?," I said with detached interest.

"Don't fucking play dumb with me! How long have you been murdering innocent people?," he shouted.

I shrugged and looked away. I knew this was the part where I should be feeling some kind of guilt but I felt….nothing.

"Answer me right now, Cas, or I swear to God," he said as his voice wavered.

"What do you want me to say, Dean? That I only kill once a week in the business room? That I stay on the tight leash that you decided to put me on? Or should I say that I don't fantasize about killing people every fucking minute of the day? Because I won't. You want to find someone to blame? Blame yourself. You did this to me," I spat as my words leaked venom.

Deans face fell as a tear rolled down his cheek. "This isn't what I wanted."

"No. You just wanted me like you but I'm better."

Dean looked pained and seemed to be battling with himself internally. "I- I can fix this."

I laughed manically and shook my head. "You can't fix shit. This is who I am. All this fucking power it gives me, now that's what I really love."

"And what about me? Don't you love me?," Dean asked.

My heart twisted as my stomach dropped. Of course. Of course I loved him. But I loved killing people more and if Dean was going to stop that then I couldn't have him in my life anymore.

"Goodbye, Dean," I replied and walked away.


	13. Chapter 13

**Intervention**

I opened the door to the warehouse where I held the blonde man captive. His eyes shining despite the darkness that surrounded him. He seemed to be talking around the gag.

I rolled my eyes but walked closer to him, leaving the door wide open. It was nice outside tonight and maybe Balthazar deserved a little fresh air before I ultimately end him.

I ripped the duct tape off his face, earning a few good screams from him as he tried to spit out the rag. I laughed darkly and pulled it out of his mouth.

"Help! Someone help!," he cried out in vein.

I looked down at the leg that still held the pocket knife I had jammed into him a few hours before. Pulling an old bucket, that had been left in the building when it was abandoned, I flipped it upside down and sat across from the English man.

"Have you ever been in love, Balthazar?," I asked curiously while I rubbed my hands together deep in thought.

Balthazar's eyebrows came together but he stopped screaming. I knew my question had caught him off guard. He said nothing as he scrutinized me.

"You're a psychiatrist, right?," I continued in hopes of guiding him to helping me.

He nodded slowly. "How did you know?"

I shrugged nonchalantly. "I can tell. I mean, look at you," I gestured my hand up and down his still body.

He squinted at me and looked at himself. "Explain."

I sighed in annoyance but complied. "Well for one thing, the way you carry yourself is fairly obvious, don't you think? I was nearly expecting you to ask me how I felt about what I was doing to you," I chuckled humorlessly.

He raised an eyebrow but made a face telling me to go on with my rant.

"You're clean and rich judging by your wallet. So, its either you're a doctor slash surgeon or you're a head doctor. And you don't have the skilled hands to break out of the rope and grab the knife I planted in your leg there to break out of here so it must be the latter."

He pursed his lips but continued to say nothing, proving that my notions had been correct. "Now, that we've established that, answer my question," I demanded.

"And what if I tell you to go fuck yourself?," he challenged.

I jumped up and ripped the knife out of his leg before holding it up unwavering to his throat. "Do it or I'll kill you."

He swallowed nervously and nodded slightly. "Okay. What do you want to know?," he asked on the verge of tears.

I smiled victoriously and sat back down on the bucket. "I'm asking if you have ever been in love," I repeated while wiping his blood off the blade and playing with the knife in my calloused hands.

"Why? Have you?," he asked right back.

I nodded once before looking down at the half bloodied knife in my hands. "Can you tell?"

"It's hard not to tell. What makes this man so special?"

I closed my eyes and ran through hundreds of memories that I shared with Dean. We've never been apart for longer than a few hours. We shared everything together. And dammit we were even a team but my addiction got the best of it all.

"I guess you could say that everything about him makes him special. From the simple way he says my name to just the way he looks at me. I was lost when I first laid eyes on him. He saved me," I voiced my thoughts.

"How is that?," Balthazar asked despite the fact that I had just pulled a knife out of his leg less than three minutes ago. Maybe I could let this one live. Maybe.

"It's a whole story. He stalked me then helped me bust out of prison. We've been killing people all over Kansas ever since but no one like you."

"What do you mean like me?," he questioned.

"You know, innocent. He only kills people who have escaped the justice system. It's some kind of vigilante thing I'm guessing," I answered. I had no idea what was causing me to open up so freely to this man who was supposed to be dead already.

"So then why are you?"

"Well, that's the big mystery, isn't it? Why do I kill people that don't deserve it? I honestly couldn't fucking tell you. I mean, I get enough blood on my hands at home and with the business. So, why do I feel the need to venture out on my own and kill? Am I no better than the worthless scum that I'm ordered to track down?"

"That's a question you need to answer for yourself," he replied. His face now stoic and in full blown psychiatrist mode. I liked him.

"Don't you think I've been doing that? Please tell me what the hell is wrong with me," I begged slightly and ran my hands up and down my legs, the pocket knife rolling along with my hand.

He stared at me before opening his mouth to access me. His eyes flickered quickly to something over my shoulder before looking at me with cold, hard eyes. "Go fuck yourself, love."

I took in scent of mixed chemicals as someone covered my face with a damp rag. Shit. Chloroform. I fought weakly with my captor before letting the darkness consume me and engulf my world.

XXX

My eyes opened lazily as I took in my surroundings. Everything was still blurry but I had the feeling that I knew exactly where the hell I was. I moved my arms but fell short when the sound of metal colliding with metal took over my ears.

I groaned and looked above me. Yep. I was chained. In the business room. My feet were also chained together but they placed a stool underneath me so my arms wouldn't stress out while holding all my weight. That was new.

"Well, look who's awake," a southern drawl chimed.

I would roll my eyes to Heaven if my head didn't feel so heavy. I groaned in response and fluttered my eyelids back closed.

I heard the sound of the heavy door open before a pair of feet walked across the plastic wrap. So, this is how I die. By the hands of my own lover. Didn't see that one coming.

"Wake up, Cas," Dean's gruff voice said from in front of me.

I peaked my eye open and focused my vision on Deans silhouette. His entire body came into view as my eyesight slowly came back to me.

Dean stood in front of me with his arms crossed and a scary looking blade in his hand. He looked as if he hadn't slept a wink in days.

I turned my head to the wall and glanced over the dozens of photographs of all my victims. Well, the innocent ones anyways. I didn't see Balthazar on it.

"Balthazar?," I managed to say even though my mouth felt as dry as the desert.

"Alive," Dean answered but offered no more information.

I swallowed thickly. "Why?"

"You know why," he said looking as if he wanted to blow up any moment. His knuckles were white around the knife and his face was hard.

"Because I do the same exact thing you do?"

"Shut up! You are not the same guy I saw at graduation and you are not the same guy I fell in love with," Dean yelled while his face twisted up in pain.

A sharp pain shot through my chest at Deans words. "Okay," I said slowly, "So what are you going to do to me?"

"Oh, I'm not going to do anything. I'll let you sit for a few more hours," he replied before dropping the large blade onto the weapons counter.

Benny smirked at me as he walked out the door. Dean followed him but turned around one last time to get another look at me.

He shook his head sadly and closed the door behind him.

My head still felt groggy from the after effects of the chloroform. I clenched my jaw and looked above me while shaking the chains rapidly hoping to break free of them.

It was no use. I wasn't getting out of here until Dean decided to. My heart picked up pace. Dean. How could I let myself do this to him?

I looked back at the wall with the dozens of familiar faces looking back at me. My stomach twisted in disgust. I was a monster.

None of those people deserved it. I'm exactly like the people that Dean kills so why wasn't I dead yet? The thought alone haunts me.

How long have I been here? A few hours? A day? Who knows. I closed my eyes hoping to drift off to sleep but was disrupted by the sound of the door opening slowly.

I kept my eyes closed not ready to face Dean just yet. He walked across the room with the sound of plastic wrap against shoes filling the room. He stopped in front of me.

"I can tell when you're faking ," a familiar voice rang in my ears. Not Deans. No. This was another voice that was always in my head.

My eyes shot open as I stared in disbelief at the man in front of me. He had a smirk on his face that didn't reach his eyes. His eyes betrayed his true feelings. He was sad.

"Gabriel."


	14. Chapter 14

**Shattered**

"Castiel," he spoke sadly.

I continued to stare at him. Was he really here or was this some kind of dream? Or maybe it was another side effect from the chloroform.

I squeezed my eyes shut tightly willing this screwed up illusion to go away. "You're not real."

"Yes I am, Castiel. Snap out of it!," he shouted.

I opened my eyes slowly and looked over his serious face. Okay. So, maybe this was real.

"You can't be here. You're in Illinois. I'm just crazy and finally having my psychotic break," I reasoned out loud.

"Cut the shit. This is real. I'd say you're way past the breaking point. Maybe that's why you killed that homeless man." He placed his hand up to his mouth and coughed loudly.

"Why are you here, Gabriel?," I asked while my chest heaved up and down dramatically.

"You're killing people, Cas," he said sadly.

His face reminded me of Deans betrayed look. Its only been twenty four hours and I've already let down the two people that I love most in the world. Damn.

"I know," I replied bleakly. "Don't make me talk about it."

"Oh, we're fucking talking about it," he snapped at me.

The door opened as Dean poked his head in. Gabe nodded at him slightly before he stepped all the way in and brought in a small chair. He dropped it behind Gabe and walked to the corner of the room where he leaned against the wall with his arms crossed.

I willed myself to ignore him. Gabe looked pale as he slumped over onto the chair. I raised a curious eyebrow.

"Are you okay?," I asked.

r

"This isn't about me. It's about you. Why are you doing this?," he asked while running a hand through his shoulder length hair.

"I don't know," I answered honestly.

"Sure you do."

"Why are you bugging me? Why isn't Dean the one in my position? He's the one that made me like this," I spit angrily even though I knew it wasn't true.

"Just stop. Deans told me everything. I don't fucking care about all that, Cas! All I care about is you getting better. So, please just talk to me."

"Why should I? I haven't seen you in years let alone talked to you. Why do you think you can walk in here and tell me what to do?"

Gabe looked over his shoulder and exchanged a look with Dean who looked troubled before nodding sadly. Gabe turned back to face me and pursed his lips like he wanted to say something but wasn't sure.

"What is it, Gabe?," I asked distressed.

Gabe sighed before looking into my eyes with his honey golden ones. The ones that used to bring me so much comfort when all we had was each other.

"I was diagnosed with cancer two years ago," he stated before tearing his eyes away from mine.

If I wasn't currently being held up by chains and a stool, I was one hundred percent that I would've collapsed. It felt like my whole world had stopped spinning and nothing could be worse than what I was feeling.

"Cassie?," Gabe asked in a small voice.

I realized that I had been staring at the wall behind Gabe. I couldn't bring myself to look at him. I knew I could never look at him the same way ever again.

"Gabe," I spoke quietly. If the room wasn't so quiet you could hear a pin drop, my words could've been easily missed.

"Talk to me," he begged weakly.

"Why?," I asked in the same quiet voice.

"Why what?," he asked confused.

I squeezed my eyes shut and let a tear fall. Something I hadn't been able to do in months was cry. I would never allow myself to feel so many emotions.

I opened my eyes back up and looked into his pale face. I felt like I had been ripped from the fantasy I had been living in and dropped harshly into reality.

"Why didn't you tell me? I'm your brother."

Gabe bit his lip. "You wouldn't understand."

"You know you can tell me anything," I reassured him. "How serious is it?"

"It's stage one lung cancer. I'm still going through treatments," he answered honestly.

"Gabe," I said with hurt. All the emotions I had been holding back for the past two months started to break free like a dam. It hurt.

"Cas. Don't. I'll be okay. I'm a fucking Novak," he said half joking. "Just let it all out, brother. I'm here for you." He looked at Dean then back to me with a small smile on his face. "We're here for you."

His words broke me. I began to cry. But not a lighthearted 'I'm sad' cry, more like a 'I feel like I'm fucking dying please make it stop' cry. My chest heaved up and down dramatically as I gasped for air in between my fits.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry," I repeated over and over while the salty liquid dripped into my mouth but I didn't care.

I closed my eyes feeling like a knife had just shot through my heart. I could feel someone touching my wrists where the chains held me and then onto my legs where the chain was wrapped tightly.

I could faintly hear the sound of someone saying my name over and over but the ringing in my ears overtook them. I subconsciously moved my hand to wipe my face and was caught off guard when I found out that I actually could.

I sniffled and opened my eyes slowly. My vision was still a little blurry from my breakdown. I rubbed my wrists and got down off the stool. My legs felt weak but I still didn't care.

I threw my arms around Gabe who was still sitting in the chair. The familiar smell of cotton candy and coconut filled my senses making me want to cry even more.

He rubbed his hand up and down my back while whispering to me comforts of how it was going to be okay. And I believed him.

After all my tears dried up and I couldn't feel my face anymore, I turned to Dean whose face was unreadable. He looked how he did when we first officially met. Back when I didn't know his intentions.

"Dean," I breathed out. It felt like I hadn't truly seen him in two months. Like I had been drifting through these dangerous months with a stranger. But maybe I was the stranger all along.

"Cas," he spoke quietly as his voice broke and his eyes filled with water. It was pure, raw emotions that ran through his face at that moment. Emotions that were between a mix of love, sympathy, pain and desperation.

I wrapped my arms around his shoulders and nuzzled my face in his neck. "I'm so sorry, Dean. Please forgive me. Please," I begged quietly.

Dean ran his hand down my back and stopped at the small of it while his other hand found its way to the back of my neck. He let out a loud choked sob that sounded like he had been holding it in for a while.

"It's okay, Cas. I forgive you. I'll always forgive you. I promise I'm going to get you help," he whispered into my ear.

I nodded into his neck and felt the comforting warmth of another body wrapping itself around me and Dean. The cotton candy scent. Gabe.

All three of us cried together until we couldn't cry anymore. It felt like we had been in that small room for days but it was more like four hours. I knew we were all going to be just fine.

XXX

Gabe slept in the guest bedroom that night while Dean and I stayed up all night. We sat cross legged across from each other on the bed just simply taking in each others presence before I spoke.

"What's wrong with me?," I asked feeling more and more ashamed of myself by the second.

"I don't know, babe, but I swear to you that I will get you help. You will get better," Dean asked while holding my hand in his and rubbing my knuckles softly.

I nodded as Dean brought my hand gently up to his lips. He placed small, sweet kisses on each bruised knuckle before sniffing sadly. I said nothing and waited until he was ready to talk.

"This is all my fault," he said softly after a few silent minutes.

I shook my head even though I had been accusing him of the same just a few hours ago. "It's not, Dean," I argued.

"Yes. It is. If I hadn't ruined your life and forced you to be with me then you never would have done any of that shit."

"You're right," I agreed. Dean looked at me with his sad puppy dog eyes that could imitate Sam's. "But right now, I would still be rotting in a cell. You didn't make me kill my boss. I did that. On my own."

Dean looked away and down at the sheets we were sitting on. It was my turn to rub his hand and reassure him. "Nothing makes sense without you. Hell, this entire world doesn't make sense but its easier with you by my side," I said honestly. It felt amazing to be completely honest with him and myself.

Dean smiled softly but continued to pick at a piece of stray thread from the sheets. "I'm worried about, Gabe."

Dean pursed his lips and scooted closer to me while wrapping his arm around my shoulder and pulling me into his chest. "He's going to be okay. He's a fucking Novak, remember?"

I chuckled softly and nodded. "Yeah. You're right," I agreed. I didn't want to admit just yet that that statement wasn't enough for me.

Dean kissed the top of my head and took a deep breath. We pulled the covers over ourselves and settled in the bed, his arm never leaving my body and my head never leaving his chest. This was as close to perfect as we could get.

"Is it love when you stole my piece of mind?," Dean asked.

I listened to the way his heart beat sped up when he asked the question. I sighed and ran a hand lightly up his abdomen. "This is a dangerous love, isn't it?," I countered his question.

Dean ran a soft hand through my hair while lightly tugging on the ends. "I love danger," he answered with a hint of amusement.

I smiled and closed my eyes. "As do I."


	15. Chapter 15

**Be alright**

It's been five months since I started intense therapy and seven months since I fist met Dean Winchester. So far, so good. Dean and Sam made me the fake identity of a Jimmy Milton so I could seek treatment.

Dean drives me every Thursday to a small Psychiatrist office on the outskirts of Lawrence. No ones recognized me yet.

I should also mention that I haven't killed anyone since that poor bastard, Metatron. I almost got to Gadreel but Dean paid him more money than I can imagine to run far away after the whole ordeal.

Now, I sit in front of a petite red head who seems to think that I'm overcoming some sort of drug addiction. If only murdering was a drug. Well, it sure did feel like it.

XXX

I sat on the small white leather sofa across from the doctor in the medium sized room that didn't make me feel cramped. She sat in an oversized matching chair that looked like it hurt her back.

She had her legs crossed casually and a small notepad on top of her lap. She tucked a piece of her short hair behind her ear and smiled brightly. "Jimmy, it seems to me like you've come a long way. You should be proud of yourself!"

I grimaced and forced a small smile. "Yeah. I guess."

She closed her mouth and imitated my facial expression except her smile actually reached her eyes. She waited patiently for me to say something.

"Dr. Bradbury, how much longer do I have to keep coming here?," I finally asked. I've been wanting to ask since the day she cracked me two months ago.

Now her smile looked forced. "Jimmy," she started. I knew what was coming. "You can stop anytime you want but I also want to stress that the prescriptions will stop with you."

"I don't care. I can make it without them. I know I can," I argued.

Her eyes flickered to her notepad where she took a few quick notes before looking back up at me. She probably wanted me to tell her why I wanted to quit. She wouldn't get what she wanted.

"How are you and Jensen?," she asked finally.

I bit on my bottom lip and chewed gently. Me and Dean were great. In fact, we were even better now that I was out of the business but sometimes it had me feeling incomplete and lonely. Especially when I had to wait around while he was out hunting. And also when I could hear the victims screams from the business room while I wrapped my arms around my legs on the bed. That was the worst of it all.

"We're awesome," I replied. Well, it was the half truth but I knew it wasn't Deans fault.

"Why do I feel like you're not telling me everything?," she asked.

I sighed and ran a tired hand down my face. Dammit. How could she see right through me?

"Have you ever been in love?," I asked her just like I asked Gadreel in that dirty warehouse. It was interesting to see how people reacted.

She looked caught off guard for a split second before collecting herself. "Yes. I have. Have you?," She asked the same question as Gadreel while raising an eyebrow at me. Typical.

I leaned back into the sofa and smirked, crossing my arms across my chest. "Well, you know what they say. Once upon a time, an angel fell in love with the devil."

The doctor leaned forward, her curiosity now peaked. "And which one are you?"

I grinned more to myself. This conversation being the most fun I had in months. "Take a guess," I said darkly before winking.

She furrowed her eyebrows quickly before opening her mouth to reply. A loud knock on her door caused her to turn pale and jump out of her seat.

She opened the door and Dean walked into her office. He smiled warmly at her. A smile that was only reserved for anyone who wasn't me.

She smiled and shook his hand before pushing her glasses up her nose. "Jensen. I wasn't expecting you so early."

Dean laughed lowly. "Its been an hour," he commented.

She whipped her head behind her to check out the clock on the wall. The red head turned back around while a barely noticeable blush crept up her neck slowly. "So it has been."

Dean laughed again and held his hand out for me to take. I took it quickly and squeezed it tightly. I then stood up and walked to the exit with Dean.

The doctor grabbed my upper arm gently for me to turn back to her. I reluctantly did so and managed a straight face even though I wanted to roll my eyes.

"Please come back next Thursday," she pleaded with me. I knew she thought she hadn't fixed me yet but the truth was that you can't fix glass after its been shattered.

"We'll see," I replied ominously before walking out of the room with Deans arm wrapped possessively around my shoulder.

"What was that about?," Dean asked curiously.

I shrugged not wanting to upset him. "I'm not going back," I stated simply.

Dean stopped in his tracks and turned me to face him. The second person to do that within the last five minutes. "What do you mean you're not going back?," he asked with anger growing in his tone.

I clenched my jaw. I was not backing down. This was a battle I was deciding to fight. "I'm fine, Dean! I've been fine for two months now!," I argued in the empty hallway.

"Cas," Dean started with the same worried look he had on his face the first time I asked to take a walk after he chained me up in the business room. "You've been doing so well. I don't want you getting sucked back into this life."

"And you think that's what I want?," I asked disgusted. Sure, there was nothing I wanted more than to slit some poor bastards throat but that's just a want and Dean is a need.

Dean shook his head quickly. "No. Of course I don't think that. Do you know how hard it is for me to have to separate my personal life from my business life? I thought I could have both with you. We're both adjusting to this."

"Well I'm sorry you picked the broken toy," I said bitterly before walking angrily down the hallway.

I could hear Deans footsteps keeping up with me until he grabbed my hand and spun me around quickly before pinning me by my shoulders into the wall. He growled animalistic while bringing our faces together.

Our lips were now inches apart. So close but yet…

"I love you, you idiot. You are not fucking broken," he said angrily while his eyes burned holes into mine.

"Then why do I feel so useless?," I whispered quietly.

Dean flinched at my words but seemed to calm down. "You're not useless. You make me good. I need you," he said softly placing his forehead on mine.

I swallowed down the lump in my throat and nodded weakly. Dean smiled and kissed my lips gently before deepening it desperately. He gripped the lapels of my jacket and brought our bodies flush against each others.

An awkward cough coming from someone else broke us apart. Deans hooded eyes turned to a woman in a lab coat holding a clip board. She had her eyebrow raised at us with a displeased frown.

I stifled my laugh while pulling on Deans arm so we could get the hell out of there before I lost it. Dean giggled in my ear as we quickly walked to the Impala. It was the first time I laughed in weeks.

XXX

"Who started the family business?," I asked as we rode back home.

Dean furrowed his brow and tilted his head at me while turning the radio down. "What do you mean?"

I bit my lip. Two months ago, Dr. Bradbury brought up the point that maybe I didn't know Dean as great as I thought I did. And maybe she was right. Lately, I've only been caring about myself.

"You know, the Winchester hit man business. How did that start?," I asked again clearly.

Deans grip tightened slightly on the steering wheel. He shrugged and sighed. "I couldn't tell you, Cas. Its not something I ever knew. I was raised by my father to continue the business. I've been in it since I was fourteen and Sam since he was seventeen."

I widened my eyes. What was I doing at fourteen years old? Probably studying. I did end up going to school for accounting but that ended up being a waste.

"Wow," I said speechless. How could I respond to that? I simply couldn't.

"Yeah," Dean replied with a slight affirmative nod.

"So, how did your parents die then?," I continued on with my bombard of questions.

"Mom died in a fire when I was four years old and dad died in prison when I was eighteen," he answered without a beat.

"In prison?," I squeaked nervously. Why did it feel like the car just turned up the heat a few hundred degrees all of a sudden?

Dean pursed his lips and nodded sadly. "Yeah, he was always a fighter. Ended up fighting in the cafeteria but some guy had a weapon and stabbed him. I'm told it was pretty brutal but he died quickly."

"He got caught?"

"Yeah," Dean replied stoically.

I decided to end the conversation at that. I felt proud of myself for getting to know Dean even more. This stranger that took me from my cell eight months ago was never a stranger. Something in my heart felt like I've known him all my life.

XXX

I kicked off my shoes inside our bedroom and sighed. Therapy combined with the long drive always left me feeling exhausted but I had a feeling that the prescription I was forced to take had a lot to do with it also.

A pair of arms wrapped themselves around me from behind. I smiled softly as Dean nibbled on my ear lobe. I leaned into his touch and whispered how much I loved him.

He kissed my neck softly while one of his hands disappeared. A few seconds later, a prescription bottle was being pressed into my palm. I frowned and figured it was about that time of day where I turned into a mindless zombie.

Dean popped the top open and placed the small, chalky white pill up to my lips. I complied and opened my mouth to let it in.

Dean turned me around and smiled sadly. "I'm going on a hunt. I'll be back in a few hours."

I nodded and let him lead me to the bed. He sat me down gently and kissed the top of my head before leaving the room.

As soon as I couldn't hear the heavy sound of his boots on the hallway floor anymore, I spit the pill I had been hiding under my tongue out and tossed it into the trash bin.


	16. Chapter 16

**Caught up**

I felt like myself for the first time in a long time. I was no longer taking the anti anxiety medicine that Dean gave me every night. But the best part of it all was that the need to kill was no longer with me.

The first few weeks were the worst. I was jumpy, I couldn't sit still without thinking about grabbing a knife and slitting someone's throat open. I was irritated by everything and anything. It didn't make sense to me.

Dr. Beadbury's words stuck out to me more than anything. "Focus on what you love more than the addiction," she would always say. That was easy. My world began and ended with Dean Winchester.

So, I started focusing on him. 'What would Dean do?' He would never kill anyone for the hell of it. Everything he did had a purpose to it. It was hard as hell for a very long time but then one day I didn't feel the need for it anymore. One day, the voices stopped.

XXX

"Hey mom. Hey Ana," I said softly while placing a long stemmed pink carnation on each of their graves.

I shoved my hands in my pockets and smiled when the wind picked up as if they were saying hello back to me. I looked down and reread their headstones out loud.

"Here lies Naomi Novak. Loving wife. Extraordinary mother," I said with a small smile. I lightly ran my hand across the top of the headstone as I willed myself to remember my mother.

Dean had told me that I needed to reconnect myself with that side of me and remember who I was before my life went bat shit insane. And maybe he was right.

I crouched down in front of Ana's headstone and let a tear fall sadly. She was my best friend. I wiped my eyes and sniffled. "Ana," I said with my voice breaking.

"I know its been a while since I've made a visit to you guys. Maybe too long. But I miss you guys. And uh, Gabriel has lung cancer. We don't know if he's going to make it and I couldn't live with myself if I have to bury my brother next to you," I said out loud.

No response. It was as if the cemetery turned dead silent. No leaves were blowing and no visitors seemed to be around.

I sighed and took a seat on the ground in between their graves and placed a hand each on their headstones. It was the closest I could feel to them.

"I'm sorry for everything I've done lately. I- I don't know what was wrong with me. My therapist said it was shock from being thrown into a new environment and giving in to peer pressure but it was more than that. I went crazy for a while there."

Again, there was no response. I ducked my head down and stared at the poorly kept up grass. "I guess you guys know about my boss. How he tormented me everyday, made sexual advances towards me then tried to rape me," I whispered.

"I was tired of everything being taken away from me. I wasn't going to let him do the same. I feel like it was the right thing to do and I have no guilt about it. Does that make me crazy?," I asked to no one but was still hopeful for some kind of response.

I continued, "But then I met Dean and he made me want to be a worse person if that makes any kind of sense. He wanted me to be someone that I knew I wasn't. I knew it. But it turned out that I was that person. In fact, I was worse than that. I was a monster. As my therapist used to say, 'We are all addicted to things that can keep the pain away.'"

No response. I squeezed my eyes shut and ran a hand down my face. I shoved my hand in my hoodies pocket and pulled out a small recent photograph of Dean and I.

It was a picture that Sam quickly took of us when we weren't looking. It was one of the only things that could classify our lives as 'simple.' We were anything but.

I was sitting on the kitchen counter with my legs hanging down. I was wearing one of Deans old flannels. The ones that always made me feel so safe and protected no matter where I was.

My head was facing forward and I was laughing at something Garth had said. My eyes were squinted and my nose crinkled. Dean always said that was his favorite facial expression of mine.

In the photograph, Dean was wearing a Led Zeppelin t shirt and ripped jeans. His arms were crossed casually across his chest and he was smiling. But not at anyone off camera. No. He was smiling at me when I wasn't looking.

It was the kind of smile that was strictly only reserved for people that you adored. It was for someone that you would search the ends of the Earth to find. It was right after the moment I realized that I had fell deeply in love with Dean.

I smiled to myself and wiped the picture when another tear fell from my eye and landed on Deans face. I dug in my jean pocket and pulled out what else I had.

It was a small black velvet box. I opened it with a 'pop' and smiled widely while looking up to my mothers headstone. "I'm going to do it, mom."

The ring was a classic gold wedding band. I had it engraved with 'Dean and Cas forever.' I used the nickname he gave me on the ring. I just prayed that he would say yes.

I placed the picture on the ground and put the small box on top of it so the wind wouldn't blow it away. Well, in case the wind decided to pick up again.

"Do you think he'll say yes, guys?," I asked hopefully.

A gust of wind blew the carnation on Ana's grave over to me. I laughed out loud and picked it up. "You think so, Ana?," I laughed again when I was met with another gust. I suppose I had her blessing.

"What about you, mom? Is he the guy for me?," I asked while staring at her name engraved on the large slab.

The tree behind the graves blew causing the leaves to fall and scatter around me. I smiled a toothy grin and rubbed their headstones one more time.

I was about to say my goodbyes when the harsh sounds of tires screeching on the pavement caught my attention. I looked up to see two or three white vans with the letters 'FBI' written across them accompanied by a dozen or so police cars with their lights flashing.

I ducked behind the marble and pulled out my phone with shaky hands and dialed Deans number. He answered immediately.

"Dean," I whispered into the phone as the noise of footsteps against grass sounded from all around me. "They found me. They're going to take me away."

"What?! What's going on, Cas? Who's taking you away?," Dean questioned getting louder with every question.

I closed my eyes while someone shouted with a bullhorn. "Castiel Novak. Come out with your arms raised and surrender. We have you surrounded."

"Cas," Dean whispered. I could practically hear his heart breaking.

"I have to go, Dean," I spoke sadly.

"No!," he screamed into my ear. "I will not fucking lose you again! Tell them to take me instead!"

"Dean, stop. Let me say what I need to say," I said softly. What I would give to see his face one last time. Or to be in his arms one last time.

Silence. I took that as a sign to continue. "I love you, Dean Winchester. Thank you for showing me who I really am and pulling me back from the darkness. I cant remember what my life was like before all of this but I had a good run. You guys need to get as far away as you can. Do not do anything stupid. I will always remember you."

The footsteps got closer. I could hear Dean sobbing now. My heart shattered and all I could do was desperately wish that I was there to comfort him and tell him everything would be okay even though I knew nothing would ever be okay again.

"Cas," he barely spoke through his tears.

"Castiel James Novak! Get the fuck up right now! You are under arrest!," a loud voice screamed at me from a few feet away.

"I love you, Dean," I whispered. "I have to go now."

My thumb hovered over the end call button before I faintly heard Dean shouting. I brought my ear back to the phone so I could hear him more clearly. "What?," I asked breathlessly.

"I will find you, Cas," he said gruffly and I didn't doubt it for a second.

"You hear me, Cas? I will fucking find you," he repeated himself.

I smiled and nodded to myself. "Come and get me," I said before ending the call. My heart raced as I picked up the small box and dug a hole with my hands in between their graves.

I placed the picture and the box into the ground and gathered the dirt back on top of it to cover it up. I stood up with shaky legs before slamming my cell phone into the marble causing it to shatter and pieces of glass to go flying. It was a burner phone but this made it to where no one could trace Dean down either.

A dozen guns all pointed to me at once as men quickly made their way to me. I complied and raised my arms in the air before I was brought to the ground by an officer.

"Castiel James Novak. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you," the officer said as he handcuffed my hands behind my back before pulling me up to my feet.

"You are under arrest for the jail breakout that resulted in twenty or more deaths, the death of Joseph Patterson and the murder of Metatron Lewis and James Sheppard," he continued saying as he walked me to one of the FBI vans.

They threw me into the back of it and slammed both doors shut before driving away.


	17. Chapter 17

**Now**

 **3 months later**

"What is your plea?," the judge asked me as she glowered down at me from her desk.

I stood before her in the standard prison orange jumpsuit with my inmate numbers on the back. They shackled my feet together and my hands rested in front of my body together in handcuffs.

It was the highly anticipated court date of the infamous Castiel Novak. They labeled me as a ruthless serial killer, psychopath, criminal mastermind. It never failed to make me laugh.

After I was picked up by the FBI, it caused a whirlwind with the media. I got as much coverage as Ted Bundy. But I opted out of hiring an attorney despite all of Gabe's arguments.

He sat in one of the pews behind me. I hadn't seen him just yet but I knew he was there. I half expected for Dean to somehow show up but I hadn't so much as heard from him these past three months which is a good thing. I think.

"Mr. Novak, please," the judge said angrily breaking me out of my inner thoughts.

I shook my head to myself and caught the judges eye. "Guilty," I replied with a small smirk.

The courtroom erupted into chatter at my plea. The judge furrowed her eyebrows and beat her gavel to garner attention back to her. Everything slowed down as the jury read out loud from a piece of paper that they found me guilty. Fine by me. That's what I had been saying this entire time.

The judge nodded at the jury and focused her attention back on me. "Castiel James Novak, you are hereby sentenced to life in Kansas federal state prison under maximum security," she announced coldly before bringing her gavel, along with my fate, down one final time.

I smiled widely and manically as two officers escorted me out of the courtroom by each arm. Cameras flashed wildly around me while microphones were shoved in my face.

"Mr. Novak! Are you guilty?," one reporter screamed.

"Absolutely," I answered with a smile.

More shouts and requests for comments. It was all a blur. I made sure to make this case the craziest one Kansas has ever seen to make sure that Dean could watch my every move no matter where he was in the country.

"Any last words?," another reporter asked before I got to the police vehicle.

I nodded and looked directly into the camera behind the reporter. I just knew Dean was watching live. "Time to find me."

I laughed loudly when the reporter asked what my words meant. But they weren't meant to mean anything to anyone else. Only Dean.

XXX

"Welcome back, Novak," a guard sneered in my ear before pushing me down the hallway. We walked past my old cell and down another corridor. One that seemed to be much more secluded than the previous one.

"Where are we going?," I asked.

His grip tightened on my arm. "You really think we're going to let you be in a cell with someone else? You blew up the fucking place last time. No, we're giving you what you always wanted."

I raised an eyebrow but said nothing as we continued through the dark hallway. We arrived at a wide metal door with a small window with bars on it.

The guard unlocked it before pushing me inside the cell. He took off my handcuffs quickly and laughed as he slammed the door closed. I wrapped my hands around the bars.

"Wait! You're really going to leave me in here?," I asked incredulously.

The cell was dirty and old. It had a single bed and toilet but no windows. It felt damp and made my skin want to crawl. The guard threw his head back laughing.

"You're out of your fucking mind if you think you're ever getting out of there." He walked away down the hallway while whistling a show tune.

I fell to my knees and screamed loudly as I brought my hands up to my hair. Alone. I was completely alone. Forever. The show tune echoed in my ears.

XXX

"Novak!," a disembodied voice yelled at me.

I had been laying in my bed, counting all the spots on the ceiling. So far I was up to three hundred and ninety seven. I crawled put of bed and walked over to the small window on the bed.

I have been in here for three weeks already. I believe that I am never getting out again. Maybe Dean moved on and found someone who could actually do what he wanted them to do and not go rogue. My heart hurt at the thought.

I also believe that I was starting to go insane in the small cell. I wasn't allowed in the cafeteria or common areas. The only thing I could look forward to were trips to the psychiatrist on Wednesdays.

"Yeah?," I asked bleakly while rubbing my eyes.

The guard shoved a folded up piece of papers through the bars and walked away without a word. That was odd. They usually enjoyed tormenting me whenever they got the chance.

I sat on the end of my bed and unfolded the piece of paper slowly. It was a note. 'When a devil falls in love, it's the most hauntingly beautiful thing ever. And you should be terrified, for he will go to the depths of Hell for him.'

I traced over the words that were carefully written in black ink. I reread it over and over until each word seared into my brain. Dean. He knew where I was!

I folded the paper perfectly and tucked it into my breast pocket. This place felt like it was starting to get to me but now I was feeling better than ever. Dean would save me just like he always does.

XXX

Two guards walked me by my arms to a large room. I had the shackles back on my ankles and my hands were back to being handcuffed in front of me. It's now been six weeks in this place and three weeks since any sign of Dean. I was beginning to lose hope again.

I could feel his note to me moving up and down as I walked along. We entered the large room that had a long barrier of phones and glass. My eyes looked along the outside of the glass to see Gabriel sitting down.

I smiled softly and sat down across from him. It was a challenge to pick up the phone when your hands are handcuffed but somehow I did it but not without a few chuckles from the guards behind me.

I placed the phone between my ear and shoulder and smiled at my brother. He looked healthy. He wasn't pale or sweating like he was the last time I saw him.

"Cassie," he said brightly as if we weren't in a prison at the moment.

"Gabriel," I greeted him back with less enthusiasm. I was sure that Gabe could tell just by my appearance how much this place was eating at me.

My hair was a mess and sticking up in every direction. My eyes weren't as bright as they used to be and came along with heavy bags under them from all my restless nights.

"I have great news, baby bro," he said still smiling.

There was a part of me that envied how happy and free he looked. But I was in here because of what I did, not what anyone else did. I needed to learn to accept that fact.

"What is it?," I asked.

"I beat cancer," his smile got wider if that was even possible.

My hurt lurched up to my throat. Did I hear that right? "You- you beat it?," I asked in amazement. This was quite possibly some of the best news I could ever hope to hear.

Gabe nodded still smiling. "I sure did. I kicked that cancers ass!"

I threw my head back and laughed. The phone fell onto the counter and I silently cursed at it as I attempted to pick it back up with my immobile hands.

"I'm so proud of you, Gabriel," I replied once I got the phone back where I wanted it.

Gabe's smile toned down. "I told you, we're fucking Novaks. We can beat anything life throws our way."

I nodded and smiled warmly at him. We sat silently for about thirty seconds just taking in each others faces. I was thrilled that Gabe could now go on to live the life he deserved.

"I also have a message for you, Cas," Gabe said seriously.

I leaned forward in my seat and nodded again for him to go on. Gabe's eyes flashed quickly to the guards behind me then back to me.

"He's coming for you," he said quietly even though no one else could possibly hear our conversation.

I opened my mouth to reply but was swiftly cut off by Gabe. "Just listen and don't say anything. Got it?"

I nodded again and focused all my attention on what Gabe was about to say. "He is coming for you. Just know that. But in the meantime, he needs for you to talk to the therapist more often so we can prevent what happened last time from happening again. Now, when we hang up these phones, I need you to go fucking insane. Start beating the glass, start yelling and try to fight those sons of bitches behind you."

I tilted my head and brought my eyebrows together. Why would Dean want me to put attention back on myself? I thought I had been doing okay these past six weeks by laying low.

Gabe continued, "Just do what he says, Castiel. I'll see you soon. I love you, little brother."

He nodded his head towards where we would hang the phones up. I pursed my lips but nodded. I hung the phone up and stood up quickly causing the chair behind me to clatter to the floor.

"Fuck you! When I get out of here I'm going to rip your head off!," I screamed wildly and brought my hands down onto the unbreakable glass.

Gabe's eyes widened and he backed away from the glass. He was always a good actor.

I felt the pressure of the guards on me as they attempted to pry me away from the section. I got in a good hit to the bigger ones jaw with both my fists.

The other one reached for me quickly before I connected our heads together causing him to fall backwards onto the chair that fell to the floor. He screamed out in pain and held his back with his hand.

The other guard took me down and shoved my face into the cold floor while calling for backup. I could feel the blood trickle down my face and pool on the floor from where I hit it.

A few minutes later, I was pulled back up and dragged out of the room by five guards now. I glanced at the glass just in time to see Gabriel with his arms crossed and a smirk plastered on his face.

XXX

"Castiel!," the familiar blonde who was a little too chipper for me greeted me as soon as I entered her office.

"Ms. Harvelle," I acknowledged her back.

She smiled and gestured for me to take a seat across from her. "You know you can call me Jo."

I smiled tightly at her and nodded. "Jo," I said to appease her.

The guards shut the door and left us alone. They ordered me to intense therapy every other day. I didn't know how much longer I was going to be able to take. She already cracked me into telling her about Dean who she said she's never heard of.

I sat down and shifted uncomfortably in the hard seat. She looked me up and down and squinted at me. I said nothing and waited for her to tell me how to feel like usual.

"Castiel, there's something we need to talk about," she said darkly. I've yet to hear her use that tone on me.

I tilted my head and leaned my elbows on my knees. "What's up, doc?," I asked with a small smile.

"It's about Dean," she started slowly. She was obviously not in the mood for any of my sarcasm today.

"What about Dean?," I asked and sat up more. She caught my attention. Maybe she was another messenger from Dean. Maybe she would give me a note or help me break out of this place.

She sighed and stared at me sympathetically. "Dean Winchester does not exist."


	18. Chapter 18

**Beginning of the end**

I laughed incredulously. "Are you serious? Dean is real. I've talked to him, I've been with him."

Jo shook her head sadly and wrote down a few notes on her notepad. "Castiel, please listen to me. He does not exist. You made him up to cope with everything that's happened to you and that's okay. I'm here to help you."

"You're not here to do shit but call me crazy! Isn't that your job? To decide whether I'm insane or not? Cause you're doing a pretty good job at it."

"I don't think you're crazy," she said softly. "I think that you were under immense stress and conjured up this idea of someone else to help you through it. It happens all the time."

"I am not fucking crazy!," I shouted at her.

She flinched slightly and frowned. "Castiel, it was all in your head. You broke out of prison alone. You murdered all of those innocent people alone and you got caught alone. Dean was never with you because Dean is not real!," the blonde cried out.

I looked up and into her eyes that were now filled with anger and desperation. It was a first to see her so worked up like this. But maybe I broke her.

A chuckle started to bubble up in my throat. It was low at first but turned louder with each passing second. I was aware of how insane I must have looked.

"You're a psychopath," she whispered.

I stopped laughing and tilted my head with a twisted, dark smile. "I prefer creative."

"So creative that you made up Dean Winchester?," she countered me with a raised eyebrow.

I rolled my eyes and sighed. "Okay. I'll give you the benefit of doubt right now, why don't you think Dean is real?"

Jo pursed her lips before getting up from her chair and grabbing a manila folder off of her desk. She sat back down and opened it carefully.

I leaned forward a bit with my curiosity peaked. "What is that?," I asked.

"A folder containing pictures of you by yourself and other documents of the bodies you left behind. Lets go to the night you somehow managed to break out of prison alone," she said while holding a sheet of paper of the night we escaped.

I took the paper from her hand and examined it closely. It was black and white from a surveillance camera. It showed me running across the grass. I remember that time so clearly but Dean was right next to me. But in the photo, he wasn't.

I frowned and handed her back the photo with a shrug. "He was out of the frame," I reasoned to her.

"Dean Winchester does not exist," she repeated herself before handing me another photograph.

This was the time that I was being chased by that crazy Josh guy. I remember feeling frightened and my fight or flight instincts kicked in. It was the night I really started to lose it.

In the photo taken from another surveillance camera, showed me holding the shovel as his corpse laid on the blue tarp. But Dean was the one to get rid of the body. I was in shock.

I shook my head and crumbled the paper up. "No! Dean cut his head off and did the work!," I shouted.

Jo shook her head sadly. "Dean Winchester does not exist."

She handed me one more photograph. It was the night Metatron died. This one was taken from a red light camera. It showed me standing on the sidewalk across from him. I was in mid lunge with the knife in the air as he cowered against the brick wall.

Again, no Dean was around. But I remember it all so clearly. Dean had helped me drag his body into the alleyway and make it look like someone else did it. He was standing right next to me on the sidewalk for God's sake!

I ripped the paper in half angrily. "No! No! No! No! He is real! He's real!," I screamed and began to pull my hair out of stress.

Jo stood up and glared at me. She put both her hands on each arm rest of my chair and leaned forward. "Dean Winchester does not exist," she said slowly through gritted teeth.

"Then explain how he was an inmate here! He planned all of this!"

"Are you trying to convince me or yourself?," she asked as she backed away. Her blonde hair flowing over her shoulder.

"Tell me you have proof that he was here," I begged her. My heart was in my throat. My stomach had dropped and my head was pounding. This couldn't be happening. It couldn't.

"There is no proof because Dean Winchester does not exist," she said again.

Tears began to water up mercifully in my eyes. Oh God. Dean was never real and I really am crazy. I need to be locked up in an insane asylum.

I began to cry and shake in the small chair. I brought my face down to my palms and cried into them for what felt like hours. I could faintly feel the warm touch of a hand gliding up and down my back gently.

I came up for air a while later and sniffled. I felt like a wreck and all I wanted to do was sleep for a few weeks. Jo smiled softly and handed me a tissue.

I wiped my red eyes and blew my nose until I lost all feeling in my face. "See, doesn't that feel better?," she asked gently like I was some sort of wounded animal she had just healed.

I shook my head and sniffled again. She frowned and wrote down another note quickly. "I'm going to put you on some prescriptions. They should be able to help with your sleep and allow you to move on from your mental breakdown."

I nodded but said nothing. This was the end of my life. Dean was y life and now that he was gone I just wanted to go with him. Nothing mattered anymore.

XXX

 **Two months later**

"Castiel! Time for your pill," a sweet voice called through the window of my cell door.

I hopped off my single bed and smiled. I was feeling much better these days. I spent the first month on the medication, obsessing over Dean and when he was going to come back.

I taped the note to the wall and studied it for hours upon hours before finally coming to the conclusion that one of the guards must have wrote it as some sort of sick joke on me.

After I finally let go of Dean and started moving on, I was able to start living in the present. I knew I was never leaving this cell or prison but I didn't feel so alone anymore. I was truly at peace.

"Hey, Jo!," I said cheerfully before grabbing the small white pill from the palm of her hand.

"Hey, Cas! Any side effects?," she asked the usual doctor questions every morning.

I shook my head and smiled proudly. "Nope," I replied before swallowing the pill down.

She smiled back at me. "That's so great to hear! I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

I nodded and waved goodbye to her before going back to my bed. I sat down and glanced at the piece of paper still hanging on the wall. No. I was not going to allow myself to waste anymore time on Dean. He wasn't real. I had to keep reminding myself.

"How's it hanging, Castiel?," a voice came from the window.

I smiled to myself. Raphael. He was my day guard. The prison ordered nonstop around the clock watch on me but I didn't mind and neither did the guards now that I managed to calm down considerably.

"Oh, you know, just counting down the next sixty years," I replied.

Raphael chuckled. "I hear that. Shouldn't take too long."

I laughed along with him. I couldn't help but feel that maybe this was where I was supposed to be. Although, Jo couldn't find the answers to how I broke out alone or where I was living after. I had to move on. I had to.

Sometimes I would have dreams of Dean and they would feel so real. It was terrifying knowing that my mind could make something like that up. But its been four months since I've entered this place and I've long gave up hope.

Gabe sends me letters sometimes telling me how his life has been going since beating cancer. He met a girl, Kali, and fell in love. Now he runs a successful candy shop in Illinois.

So that ends the story of the infamous psychopath Castiel Novak. If I could go back and change the events of my history, I wouldn't change a damn thing. Come back in sixty years to see if I can make parole.

 **The End**

Whistling. I can hear whistling. It's ringing in my ears but its familiar. It was 'Sweet child o' mine.'

"Alfie?," I called out for my nigh guard. I had been sleeping when a loud bang had woken me up followed by the whistling. What was going on?

The hallway was eerily silent and I couldn't see the blonde hair that was usually visible through the small window on my door when Alfie was assigned to me. Something wasn't right.

I slowly got out of bed and tip toed through the room to look out the window. I could hear struggling now before a flash of shoulder length hair that perfectly resembled Sam walked by in a guards uniform.

That wasn't right. I took my pill today just like I did every day. So why am I imagining Sam?

I wrapped my hand around the bar of the window and peered around me. "Sam?," I called out in confusion.

The footsteps got closer and closer to my door. I could feel my heart thumping heavily in my chest. Sam's face appeared through the window. "Hey, Cas. Bet you thought we forgot about ya."

I fell back into my room and shook my head violently. "This isn't real," I repeated over and over to myself.

Sam chuckled and watched me from through the bars. "It is, Castiel. This guy didn't have the damn keys so I'm sure Deans off to find someone who does."

I furrowed my brow. "Why are you still here? I took my pill today!"

Sam frowned. "Is that what they told you? That we're not real?"

I nodded quickly and never took my eyes off of him but continued to sit on the cold ground.

"Ah, I'm sorry about that, Castiel. You understand why we had to hack into the surveillance system and edit Dean and ourselves out of it, don't you?," he asked genuinely upset.

I stood up slowly with shaky knees and made it back to the door where Sam still was. "I'm not crazy?," I asked.

"Not more crazy than any of us," he replied back with a smile.

Footsteps. They were heavier than Sam's but sounded in a way that I knew who they belonged to. All those nights and mornings where Dean would walk down the hall to go to the bathroom or make me breakfast in bed. I knew those footsteps. But it can't be.

It couldn't be. Sam stepped out of the way as a familiar freckled face appeared in the small window holding a large set of keys. He was also dressed in a guard uniform.

He grinned cockily and said those words that he first spoke to me. "My names Dean Winchester and I've come to break you out."


End file.
